Vice | j.jk ✔️

forty-four: face reality

February 4
Aira

I didn't expect to be feeling this way again so soon. Actually, strangely this was worse than when Jungkook told me he "killed" CEO Park even though he didn't actually. This one was true. This one was told to me after Jungkook and I decided to be transparent with each other.

I kept trying to throw up to get rid of the nauseous feeling but I was on an empty stomach so it just felt like I was squeezing an empty bottle, sucking the life out of it. My eyes were watery but the tears wouldn't fall. Like they were frozen from the shock.

I tried holding myself together for the duration in which I rode the bus to my apartment. I couldn't bring myself to make a stop at his place to retrieve my belongings. I'm sure they'd have his smell on them to constantly remind me that I had been blindly in love with a man I truly never knew. Perhaps that's an excuse.

Actually, it is an excuse. The truth behind why I couldn't bring myself to go to his apartment to get my belongings is that I was afraid i'd stay. The apartment would only remind me of the blissful past few days with him— telling me that he isn't a bad person like his past suggests, he's different now.

But, this could've been one of many dark secrets he's been hiding so, I carried on with going home.

When I finally entered my apartment, I stormed into the bedroom and sank into the cold linen sheets, still wearing the red dress. I wasn't willing to do thinking but my pounding head had different plans.

—[❈]—

He wouldn't leave me alone. At first, he left so many texts, calls and voicemails. All of which I ignored. No, none of this made me love him any less— which sort of instilled a fear in me. I was just in pure shock at first but eventually it simply became sadness. It felt like history was repeating again and again.

Truthfully, I didn't want to acknowledge the clear pattern of our relationship but it was really smacking me in the face this time. How many chances do I give him to be honest with me?

I was scared of how little this affected my actual feelings for him. Shouldn't I have been a little less in love with him after hearing about the dark things he's done? I was too intoxicated by him and my feelings for him to see it; our relationship was destructive to both of us.

Jungkook was afraid of loving people because he has a fear that bad things will happen to them— him being the reason— and they'll abandon him. He conceals the bad things he's done so that I don't flee.

I was tired of being lied to by those around me. Tired of feeling betrayed. Jungkook was becoming my only beacon for comfort. I was starting to need him to lean on and depend on and every time a lie was revealed, it was hurting me. I needed stability and our relationship wasn't giving me that.

I've never been loved the way he loves me. No one has ever cared for me enough to run into dangerous situations to save me. No one truly listened to me like he did. No one ever held me the way he did.

I was dangerously attached to him.

I never felt this way for anybody. Only him. It'll only ever be him.

So, how was I supposed to come to terms with the fact that it all had to stop? If we broke up for good, he would once again be alone. Could I live with hurting him like that? Could I live without him in my life? How would I feel if he moves on from me and loves someone else? Would I ever be able to move on?