The Love Algorithm - Vol. III

【10】Impossible Conundrum

But given our conversation earlier, I had to face the fact that he wouldn't want me to keep the baby if there was one. He'd been so adamant about pushing me away from him, I was sure he'd be entirely opposed to me raising his child alone. He wanted us to cut all ties, and that was the biggest, most important tie I could think of. If I was pregnant and kept it, he would forever be a part of my life — whether or not he came out.

My head was spinning, dizzy with all the answerless questions I was having. Feeling lightheaded, I worried I might pass out, overwhelmed by the terrible thoughts. Instead of pacing the room, I sat on my bed, my limbs trembling with fear and hope. Tammy came back at that exact moment, anguish plastered on her familiar face. She came to sit with me, and since I was staring at the floor, unable to focus on anything else, she took my hand, communicating her compassion for my situation the best way she could.

What of that poor child? What would it be like for this sweet, innocent soul to be raised without a father? Even worse, to be raised with one spending the rest of his life in prison?

It was cruel and selfish of me to consider putting anyone through this, because I knew how mean society could be. All the mockery and the awful things this child would endure would be my fault. I'd be the one imposing this kind of life on my very own child, the being I would be bound to love the most in this world.

Shit, the fact that Lex wouldn't even get to raise his own child was heartbreaking. What would it be like for him?

It was possible he would change his mind about never seeing me again if his child was growing in me. His own experience with his father would make him wish something better for his own offspring. Which was why he'd never want me to go through the pregnancy. But if I didn't give him a choice, he would have to reconsider his initial strategy and take the new parameters into consideration.

As awful as it may sound, the idea of using this potential child to ensure that I would keep seeing Lex was one I was willing to consider. I couldn't accept that we'd just be over if he lost the trial. He was doing what he thought was best for me, but it would equal forcing me to live the rest of my life missing a huge part of myself. Lex was even more important than a limb, and I couldn't let go.

But what would our lives be like?

I could imagine myself visiting him with our child, week after week, month after month, year after year... What sort of life was that? It sounded like some awful torture, one all three of us would be subjected to. Lex would get to see his child grow up but wouldn't be able to participate in their upbringing. Our progeny would live with this heavy weight, knowing their father was a criminal, forced to see him without ever truly knowing him. And I would have to watch them both suffer, knowing I was responsible for their pain.

My body started to tremble from the torment my mind was under, and I didn't realize it until Tammy bent to hug me tightly, trying to relieve part of the psychological ache.

I couldn't be pregnant. This couldn't happen, it would be so wrong on so many levels.

But I hoped I was with everything I had. I wanted to have this left of him, the only thing that would remain of our short but intense encounter. I wanted to carry his child so he would change his mind and keep seeing me regardless of the trial's outcome. I wanted to be pregnant because it could be the only way I'd ever hold our baby.

All of this was so selfish and cruel, but at that very moment, I couldn't think rationally. If this was my only shot at having Lex's child, I would take it.

It was impossible to tell how long we remained like this, sitting on my bed in silence, Tammy's arms wrapped around me, while thoughts ran havoc in my mind. I didn't even hear when Darius came back until his gentle knocks on my door reminded me of the mission he'd been on.