The Love Algorithm - Vol. III

【07】Guilt Trip

More than ever in these past weeks, I wanted reality to be a nightmare and my dreams to be reality. I wanted to wake up from all this and find him by my side, ready to comfort me, to hold me tight and tell me this was only a bad dream, that everything was okay.

Given the insistent call of my femininity, which refused to accept I'd only been musing, and Lex hadn't actually been touching me, that we hadn't been rolling in his gray sheets, I turned to look at my nightstand, wondering if I should take the leap and finally take out Idris or Jason. Since Lex didn't have the privilege of intimacy, unlike me, it seemed unfair that I'd get to satisfy my cravings for him so freely when he probably couldn't. The fact that he was in there because of me also added to the remorse I was feeling every time I considered it.

Maybe it was my guilty conscience, maybe it was penitence, maybe it was out of sympathy for him, but I refused to give into my baseless cravings. My body wasn't so prone to compliance, now used to receive its fair share of slex. But regardless of how many wet dreams I had, I wouldn't cave in. Not for as long as Lex was locked up.

I didn't deserve it.

• • •

About five hours later, I was entering Sheridan's prison again, the building just as somber even though the weather was sunny. I went through the same security checks but didn't have to sign more papers, my file apparently complete. Sitting on a stool in the visiting room, I waited for Lex to arrive, disheartened and melancholic.

As much as I tried to remain positive, it was harder and harder to do so. With each day that passed without finding something to help, hearing more bullshit on the news, and Lex's lawyers being no closer to a breakthrough in the case, it was harder to keep faith that all this would be sorted. Lex himself wasn't optimistic about the outcome, and the man was a fucking genius. I'd have to be dense not to see the truth, not to perceive the gravity of what might happen.

When Lex came in, about five minutes after my arrival, I plastered a smile on my face, refusing to let him see my worries. He already had so much going on, I wasn't adding to his load. I remained seated as he came closer, only realizing afterward that I should stand. He didn't seem to mind, though, bending to offer me a chaste kiss on the lips before sitting on the other side of the table. Just like a few days before, there was something off with him, his face impassive, his emotions impossible to guess.

"How have you been since Wednesday?" I asked, trying to bring my smile all the way to my eyes.

"The same, I'd say. The days all resemble each other. It's hard to keep track."

"Are you done with your reading?"

"Yes. I went through all the volumes that concerned me. I didn't find much, but I still passed it onto my lawyers in case anything could help."

"And?"

"There was nothing of value, nothing they didn't already have," he answered, his expression unchanging.

My shoulder fell, and I realized I'd subconsciously been hoping he'd found what we needed to switch the situation around. Silence settled between us as I processed this new failure. Shit, this was growing more hopeless by the day.

"How was the drive here?" Lex asked. Him indulging in small talk proved he was trying hard to keep the conversation going, and I shook myself out of my head, remembering this time was for him, and I should make the most of it.

"Good, thanks. Although, I'm pretty sure four hours is all my car can handle. Half an hour more, and it would have died on me for sure."

The mention of the old ford didn't amuse him, despite what I'd thought, and he frowned instead, disapproving.