I googled (of course), just a bunch of articles with repeated paraphrased ideas that were complete nonsense to me. I never did know why we were so different.
I looked into her eyes, bright and lively, and I knew my answer before asking, it was kind of rhetorical really.
"It is a guy isn't it?"
She blinked and turned away, "Maybe."
"It's a yes/no question Cecilia. I take that as a yes. Way to go Cici! Depend on a man for happiness again! See where that got you."
She was silent. Head bowed and shoulders hunched.
She fixed her posture and stared right into my eye. Watered eyes with the fires of pure fury, "You have become such a bitch. I never thought you would be this kind of person; this mean person that lashes out on others for your own misfortune. I don't need to justify why I feel the way I do. Whether he is or he isn't the reason I am happy, at least I am. No matter how brief it might be, no matter what caused it, no matter how devastated I will be after it's gone, I will take responsibility of that. At least I will. You are running. Wandering. Above all that you don't even tell me, I have to figure it out from Kalon, a practical stranger, and I-your supposed best friend-know nothing and you won't tell me. We aren't best friends, we are strangers sharing good tickets and visits to beautiful countries. Excuse me." As she dashed to the bathroom.
She didn't reply.
Again no reply. Eyes closed and covered, with a blanket on her, she was sleeping.
"Okay I am just going to talk to myself apparently. I am sorry. I shouldn't expect you to be so forthcoming while I do the exact opposite. I am sorry, I should be happy for you. Whatever or whoever is making you happy. I can't. I just can't be happy for anyone right now. I am trying to see the beauty in everything that I have, I'm trying to be freaking grateful. I am such a pathetic mess. I am trying to create this bubble where I have to be happy. That I should. What's wrong with me Cici?"
She took off the eye patch and turned to me,
"I don't know Jilly. You are asking a person that was in the same dilemma a few weeks ago. It's a moment, a fleeting minute, I guess it happens so fast-happiness- we barely notice how we were without it. Your shit isn't together yet. Maybe after it is, you could actually be happy. Maybe you need to create your own happiness. Maybe these trips and these things you are doing are actually like that book: "the alchemist". He went through all that stuff, met all those people, went to places he never even imagined he would go, to realize that the true treasure that he went across the world for was right there underneath him. Sometimes we are surprised that the things we took for granted made us the happiest. I guess what I am trying to say is that it might work for some people to live out of their suitcase, travel and learn languages, sleep around for most cases, but that's not you. You ran from that life, from that life with Zen, you think you want more out of life-as you should. I think, if you continue this display of self-pity and unworthiness, you will be this way forever. You fear a provincial life, so you are leading some other type of living. It's not meant for everyone dear. You are a person who wants to settle down, you just needed some fun and a vacation. You just have to discover that yourself though." Then she smile, "and about that clinic, Kalon asked me if I could help with legal transactions and such, and of course I will." She ended. She urged me to talk about the clinic more and more. From what I expect to start with, to what kind of doctors I wanted on my crew, to which country I wanted to build the clinic in, where I was going to get medication and such. The more I spoke about it, to either of the (Cecilia or Kalon), it seemed tangible. That I actually had somewhere to be, something to do after this.
The process at the airport repeated itself. Security check, baggage collect, check passports, tickets, get a cab, and to the nearest hotel. It was nighttime, and we are heading from the capital Sucre to Uyuni via bus (we had to cut back a bit on transportation within the country) and bus tickets didn't cost that much (8$). Busses leave Sucre at 07.00 and at 08.30 in the morning. They stop in Potosi and then go on to Uyuni where they arrive in the late afternoon. So tomorrow we had an early wake. I really need a smoke.
"Why didn't we use the train?" Cecilia complained.
"Cecilia what's wrong with the bus? Seriously if u overlook the fact that it's cramped and some of these people actually smell, it's a life changing experience."
"You know what, sometimes you are so funny I wonder why you didn't pursue a career in stand-up comedy."
"I am too funny dear."
"Yeah I guessed that much." And we both laughed simultaneously.
We were on the bus from Potosi to Uyuni, and were getting nearer by the minute. The beating excited heart, the sweaty palms, and the anticipated demeanor. I never got the gravity of how important this trip was. Surely now I am grasping it. A wonder of the world, I will be strolling with Cecilia on this wonder. An opportunity many dream of and never get to do. Here I am on my way to it. Cecilia was right, or right with what she was trying to say. I have to enjoy the journey and accept where it takes me. I shouldn't fear the inevitable, or 'the eventual'. I shouldn't live with that fear. I should accept it. I should embrace it. I should enjoy this journey, for it is available to very few. I tend to forget the times I felt grateful on this journey; the time I took my dad to England and saw that childish gleam, or the time I opened up to my sister, or the time my mom finally tried to understand me, or the time I admitted that I was grateful for Kalon-daring me to do things I avoided. I should take note of that; the feeling of gratefulness. I am grateful. Gratitude is a stepping stone to happiness. I must be heading the right way.
It was so slippery. The guide warned us of how it might be, the condition of the flat. We wore rain boots, and walked cautiously on the surface.
It was terrifying to say the least. The sky had no end and the earth had no beginning; both connected in some weird cosmic way, completing one another, not severed by nature. When you are there, the chemical property the rain has on the salt flat escapes your mind. You are no longer reminded of the physical properties, you are simply there, on the one of the most majestic places mankind has ever known.
It was endless, vast and endless. We walked and walked, totally mystified and absorbed with this phenomenon. The clouds were nearer than ever, it was either the truth or a total illusion. We weren't the only ones there; people from different nationalities were also there to walk on the largest mirror in the world. The reflection to the sky and its glories. All of us there had a common purpose, a sole goal; getting caught up in something so magical, so out-of-this-world, spectacular, and aw-inspiring, that scientific explanations demeaned it and we had to see it-experience it-for ourselves.
That's where the conflict between science and poetry began; science needed to explain things whereas poetry just wanted to know how they felt like. People get caught up in wanting to know things (origins, causes, reasons...) that sometimes we neglect that some things are better...felt.
"It's AMAZING!" Cecilia screamed from the top of her lungs.
In that moment, I wanted to scream too. "IT IS!"
Wanderlust: a strong desire to travel and explore.
That was the exact thing I had. The lust for travel and exploration. And my desire to do so, I think, will never be replenished.
We spent the day there and returned to our hotel.
We booked our tickets on the nearest computer with internet.
Thailand, here we come.
1- I lived- One Republic
3- On top of the world- Imagine dragons
YOU ARE READING
Escaping The LoopChickLit
At 28, Jillian realizes that her seemingly perfect life is a continuous mundane routine. she is fed up with conformity and wants change. Along the way, she battles depression, gets nostalgic, falls in love, and realizes that life and living happen w...