My Only One

CH 50.

Life teaches you to learn, to improve, to experience, to pass on - but in Sehun's case he has only known how to learn and accept. He never wanted to disappoint anyone but in his life his biggest failure was that he was disappointed in himself. He never asked for anything from anyone but he has always asked himself "to let go" "to move on" "to grow up". It was not his choice to live in constant fear, not his choice to be over think, not his choice to stay in the same nightmare yet he had to accept everything because he can't help it. 

Sehun rubbed his eyes, after carefully detaching himself from the strong grip from the other male, he rose up and sat leaning against the headboard. He stared at the wall for quite some time before blinking.

Sehun also remembered something else. How he saw the news, how his mind got shut and how fast he ran and locked himself in his room. 

His mind was full again, the thoughts, the fear, the concerns, the doubts all came back as if they were home. He rubbed his bandaged wrist trying to trace the old marks which may have healed a bit but soon he felt the familiar itching. Sehun had to take a deep breath to calm himself down, he gulped as his body started to grow warmer, and then the heat felt like a sudden bolt. His fingers clenched around his wrist as if trying to control his growing urge, but his stomach started to churn like he was on fire. 

Sehun tried slowly, at first. He scrambled to get hold of his urges, his bare feet touched the carpet, it felt too cold against his skin yet he still tried to step forward without falling.Sehun's eyes caught the sight of his mother's hair pin laying over his bedside table, shining against the light of the night, his hands reaching just in time to clutch the small thing in his big palms. His gaze followed the two frames and the two smiling figures in it. 

Sehun's gulped, his fingers were shaking, his grip tightening around the pin as if its sharp edge was luring him. His mother's smile turned wider as if she was encouraging him. Just "do it" . His Knuckles turned white as his eyes fell over the pin again as it hovered over his wrapped wrist. He wanted to tear it apart, feel the burn and finally get the pain out of his chest. 

His consciousness was somewhere else, he could still feel himself holding the pin, its edge against his skin when he felt like something wet touched his cheeks. His face was damp from tears, his parents' smiles felt like he was looking in a mirror when it shattered into small pieces leaving him to collect them but getting hurt in the process. He could feel the blood like it was real and then there was him trying to move away when the blood seeped through his shadow, covering the whole surface, as he felt his breath weakening trying to get out before he drowned yet his feet didn't move as if they were stuck. 

Sehun screamed yet it bounced against the wall but it never got heard. Sehun fell on his knees, the level of blood was rising but all he could do was sit there and feel his body getting soaked. He could hear noises, laughing at him, and then all of a sudden he was in the small dark room where the woman beat him, her evil laugh ringing in ears to the point of damaging his ears. He felt himself getting pulled away harshly, his hand snapped so hard that he screamed but he didn't hear his own voice. He trashed around trying to pull himself away from the hard grip when he was forced into another room. He felt alone, so alone that the bare room was enclosing him in. He felt its walls around him trying to trap and squish him and he did it in again, screamed but again it only echoed but no one replied back. 

He was tired, he was so so tired. He knew he couldn't escape, couldn't protect himself, couldn't run away but he could try and try instead of giving up. However, never stopped trying, and he would never do because if he gave up he would be called a coward instead of a fighter, they would declare him mentally ill and that's the last thing he wanted them to stamp it over him. He was tired of people, tired of their words, tired of their judgement, tired of losing - but he wasn't tired of himself, wasn't tired of his loved ones, wasn't tired of receiving love even if it was only little.