Diary of a teenage b**** | ✔

One

That sounds a tad dramatic, but what I actually meant to say was that I never spoke to mom about important issues concerning my mental health, physical health, social life, and anything that went beyond grades and what we'd have for dinner that night

The thing was, I knew I was overweight and I kept on saying I would lose that weight, it's not that hard, but I never did, I just continued eating, eating and eating

Until I just accepted that I was the fat girl.

Before I carry on let me get this straight this isn't some story of how I was ridiculed for being the fat girl.

Growing up I hadn't been fat, the summer that I hit puberty, let's just say puberty wasn't the only thing I hit

Eating became sort of like a solace, So I ate, ate when I was bored, ate when I was sad ate when I was happy, ate when I had nothing to do at all, I ate when I was full, - not because I wasn't hungry because I was doing something and I felt like I needed to somehow fill the l emptiness I seemed to feel

But then I felt sick afterwards, like I didn't need to eat so much because like I said: not hungry, but once I started I usually never stopped

Dear reader don't leave yet, don't leave because you think this is a fat girl's story, and what has everyone portrayed fat people to be: the funny one in the group, that never really gets a girlfriend or boyfriend, that is just so happy, there isn't really much to them, and they are just overall plain unattractive

Fuck whoever wrote the; how fat people need to act manual

If you here for that, you're at the wrong place

I could've called this book the dairy of an ex-fat girl, but that's a spoiler and this isn't a spin-off of the series insatiable where a fat girl becomes thin, and takes revenge on those who called her fat

Like I said I'm not a hateful person, and yes I have fantasized about killing people I am a normal human being after all but I've never fantasized about killing them because of them calling me fat. I wasn't psychotic, I fantasized about killing the girl in grade school because she stole my best friend from me, I fantasized about killing my brother when he told mom it was me who took the last chocolate, and I fantasized about killing dad because he was sending me back to the same retched school after 5 years of continuous torture

Thinking back to it, I remember my exact train of thoughts that day; the day I decided I didn't want to be fat anymore

I guess I was tired of going into clothing stores and having my anxiety skyrocket because nothing fit, and the things that did fit didn't fit me the way I wanted, or it just didn't look as good on me as it did on others, and then the whole having to go the till to go and purchase the items, and even though the cashier most likely didn't care about me or what I looked like, I was very self-conscious of the labels that read : XXl, and how the t-shirts were more work to fold because they were larger than the average girls t-shirt

Or I can go on, onto how people assume you older just because you're a little broader and bigger

Or the most important factor for me, the fact that the boy I liked didn't like me back

Pitiful I know, but that's my honest truth

I wanted him to want me as badly as I wanted him

I imagined the day in the future where he'd come back because I was hot now, and he wanted me so badly, and I'd ignore him and turn him down over and over, until he gave up and his heart was broken along with his ego and self-esteem to the point where he was past being fixed ever again

Wait, go back...

I should start over; because I'm not doing anything but contribute negatively to the character development half of this, instead all that I have confirmed so far is that I'm the biggest ass-hat with anger issues and cattish tendencies.

So I'll reset, start over, try again, delete everything you just read about me

My name is Idalia James, I'm your typical not so typical 18 year old, who is weighed down by society's standards, held back by opinions and offended by things that shouldn't necessarily offend me, I have an unhealthy addiction to the internet, and all things related to social media, and a screen that can turn on and off

Spoiler alert:

I'm also not the pretty girl in the story who gets all the guys, I'm not he girl who leads a phenomenal life throughout, neither the gay girl, trans girl, the girl with a third nipple or even the girl with a semi remotely interesting story

Nope this story is nothing close to interesting

But it's mine