Diary of a teenage b**** | ✔

One

Not only that, but contributing to my case; of how Tyler could never like me, was because while I fell in love with him, I watched him fall in love with another girl, a girl who was the complete and polar opposite of me, which was why I knew he would never like me, - because I wasn't her. I wasn't his type.

At the beginning, when I had started to develop feelings for him, knowing that he liked girls like Kayla – this newfound knowledge hadn't stopped me from trying, because in my mind I could be her.

I liked this boy so much that I wanted to become someone else for him

Shallow, I know, at least I'm being honest about it

I didn't care about those stupid sayings that go something like; '' you should never change yourself for a boy, or do it because you want him to like you, you have to do it for you, you have to want it for yourself''

Whoever said that fuck them, I disagree

In my opinion doing it for me was not that great of a motivation, doing it for him was the best motivation I could have ever asked for, - him breaking my heart was just the cherry on top

Looking back on it now, I guess I did it because I didn't want that to ever happen to me ever again especially by a guy.

The girl that Tyler aka the son of a bitch who I liked who wasn't even that cute, was beautiful, skinny, perfect face, nose, fingers, and personality, - she was perfect, therefore I hated her, because she was everything I wasn't

Hated her in a good way, by good I mean not in the : I'm going to drive past your house and set your house on fire, put mice in your school backpack and spit in your food when you're not looking

Okay wait........

Two minutes into this and already I'm coming off as a bitch, I assure you that is not the case, I swear I'm the nicest person I know

It was just Kayla, - Tyler's perfect girlfriend that I hated, - okay and maybe Freya, Rachel, Jenna and Harriet –

I mean it's not like I imagined them dying or me waking up being 28 thousand times prettier than all of them combined, then what would they have going for them?

Dramatic pause (count to ten in your head)

Exactly, nothing

I didn't hate her because she was perfect, I hated her because I was jealous of her perfection, I imagined that Kayla didn't even have to try, guys just fell head over heels for her, because she looked the way she did. - In my honest opinion she was boring, she couldn't hold a conversation, and she laughed at all my jokes

Yeah, but jokes on you Kayla, because I don't know why you were laughing, my jokes were boring you dumb bitch

And I wanted that perfection she possessed; I needed that for validation so that I could feel enough.

I didn't want a boyfriend, I didn't want to have to consider someone else's feelings yet, - I still wanted to be selfish for a couple more years.

I just wanted guys to like me so that I could feel pretty, because to me if every guy liked me, that meant I was beautiful

Mom told me I'm sick and I had mental issues when I asked her if she thought this was normal to seek other's approval for validation

The only reason why I had asked mom was because at school in Life Orientation they taught us that parents are supposed to accept, care and help you through any obstacle no matter what the size.

This was a clear indication that mom wasn't interested in helping me overcome any obstacle, and I'm glad I tested that theory beforehand

To say in the least: mom had failed, which was why I never brought anything to mom ever again