A Solangelo Child

What if I'm tired?

"Hmm?" I asked

"I don't know. It's been a little while." Nico admitted rocking Michael slowly

"Just rest and let me take tonight. You have work tomorrow and I don't. Get some sleep. You deserve it." I said

I set Michael down and pulled Nico out of the room. I took him back into our room and carefully pushed him onto the bed. I pulled the covers over Nico and kissed his lips. He smiled at me and I left him in the room to go deal with Michael.

I softly padded into the room going over to him. Michael was crying and moving around in his crib. I picked him up. I softly sang 'You are my Sunshine' while making sure he knew I was singing to him. It was a way to bond.

Michael looked up at me his eyes slowly closing as he got more and more tired. I'm glad he didn't need to be fed. I would have to wake Nico up again, because the babies wouldn't take a bottle from me. He really needs his sleep.

"He asleep?" Nico asked when I came back into the room

"Yeah. He was really tired. He was probably just afraid of being alone." I said

Nico wasn't smiling and his eyes showed nothing. Walls were put up. He was taking deeper breaths than usual. An oncoming panic attack maybe. No, his face was blotchy. He had been crying.

"Is something wrong?" I asked "Neeks, why are you crying?"

"N-nothings wrong." Nico said "I'm okay."

"Talk to me. It's always easier when you can talk to someone." I said

Nico was on his side. I wrapped my arms around his thin waist. I need him to be big again. Not very big. Like a few pounds so he looks healthy.

"It's complicated." Nico said

"I'm good with complicated." I said

"I feel guilty. I wanted to give them up. I even thought about taking Bianca out because she was sick. I'm a terrible parent." Nico said curling up and unwrapping my arms from around him

"No you aren't. You're a parent." I said "All parents make mistakes and have regrets or guilt. If a parent never feels these emotions they don't know parenting. It's a roller coaster of emotions."

"Like this." Nico said

"Yeah. It's postpartum depression. I can help. Everyday you tell me five positive things about yourself. Tell me all about your day. Even if I'm asleep when you get home." I said

"Maybe not very much when I'm gone. I can't answer the phone in the operating room or with a patient. For privacy. Send me a text or leave a voicemail. I'll always answer." I said "Even if it's to tell me that you miss me or you're going out with them. They probably get bored and fussy."

Nico nodded and we sat in silence for a few minutes. I had him in my embrace. I was spooning him as he nuzzled me.

"They miss you when you're gone." Nico said breaking the silence

"They do?" I asked surprised

I knew Nico missed me, but the babies? They were still so small. They don't really understand the concept of time. They didn't know how long I am gone. Just that I am gone.

"Yeah. Every time you leave me alone they are okay for a bit. When they start to realize you aren't home they cry. I know that cry. I cried many times when you left." Nico said "They want you. They know you exist even though you aren't in the room, but they don't know how long you'll be gone. They get scared and cry thinking you aren't coming back."