She was rainbow bright and colorful
He was the storm before it dark and gray
She was the sun rising quietly into the day
He was the moon shining brightest in the dark
She found all the right colors to paint his blank canvas
He found all the right wo...
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"Do I hate myself?Is that why I can't trust nobody else? Do I blame myself?"
To say that I was shocked would be a huge understatement. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My heart was beating at a rapid and unhealthy pace. I couldn't fathom how unrealistic this all felt. Was I hallucinating? Was I dreaming? No, no, I couldn't be. I wasn't.
My father, in the flesh, was standing in front of me, looking as he did all those years ago. His disheveled mop of brown hair sat atop his head and his endless grey eyes brought back a myriad of memories I'd been running from for what seemed like forever. His 5'11 height and broad shoulders were once the highest places I could ever be.
It was a little crazy, you know? How I'd imagined this moment a million times, had a thousand things I was going to say to him when I saw him, but right now, not a single one did me the mercy of coming to my head.
What was I supposed to say? Hey dad! How've you been? Was I supposed to run into his arms like I was five years old again and he'd swing me around and around and around? I wanted to. God, I wanted to so badly. I wanted to be that little girl again, with a dad. But I couldn't. Because everything had changed the day he decided that I wasn't worth the memory of his deceased wife, I wasn't worth the pain, the tears, I just wasn't worth it.
So, why was there still a tugging at my heart begging me to crawl back in his arms and never come out? My head knew better, it was telling me that running to him would do nothing but give him leverage to walk out and hurt me again. Lost in my thoughts, I didn't even notice my dad still standing in front of me. Kayden had wrapped a muscled arm around my waist and pulled me impossibly closer to him, as I looked up at him I took in his disoriented, confused look in his sparkling blue eyes.
Then I looked at my dad again, who looked just as conflicted, if not more, as Kayden. He was dressed in his classic blue jeans and a flannel shirt, paired with black sneakers and his backward baseball hat. Yup, my dad was one of those dads. Dragging my mom and me to his baseball games then us dragging him to small café shop concerts. But seeing him right now, had a swarm of emotions storming through my head, my heart ached, like a tornado my feelings were twisting and turning, blowing and spinning, I couldn't stop them.
Yet, I knew I had to say something. Something to fill this empty silence which felt like a black hole that wouldn't end, where there was no way up, just down. So I took the plunge, I jumped with no hopes or hesitation despite knowing that I wasn't going to hear anything to make up for the years of incessant tears, wrecked sobs, hurt, eternal torture. No one could fix the girl my dad broke by leaving without goodbye all those years ago.
"What are you doing here?" It took everything in me to keep my voice steady right now, my hands were shaking, my chin was trying to wobble, my heart was trembling, but I had to, I couldn't let him in again. Crying would do nothing but show him that the girl he left five years ago, was weak. She had not changed. That would be a lie.
