In the Absence of Light

53

"It was okay," he shrugs. "I don't know why I went. I don't know if I was looking for answers or if I just wanted to make things worse for myself."

"And did you?"

"Nah, I don't know what I expecting. He's still the same person he always was. He didn't show any remorse. He was just– It was like I was a kid again, with him yelling at me and me just trying to make it stop."

"I'm sorry, Isaac," I place my hand on his knee. "It couldn't have been easy for you."

I'm surprised he went in the first place, but I guess it's just what he felt he needed to do.

"I guess I was just trying to prove my sister wrong," he tells me.

"You don't have to prove it, Isaac," I tell him. "You're nothing like your father."

"I don't know," he looks away. "I always thought my sister knew me better than anyone else, but I guess I was wrong."

"She was just mad. She probably regrets it now.

"Yeah, we are a bunch of hot-heads in my family," he chuckles. "But I'm glad I went. I was pissed at first, and I guess kind of disappointed, but I think it was the right thing to do. I don't need to think about him anymore now, you know? I don't need to wonder if he's changed, or if he has some kind of justification for what he did because he doesn't. He's just a cruel person."

"And your mother?"

"With her, I just need time. I know I can't blame her completely, but there are still so many things she did do, and I just... I don't think I can trust her again."

"That's okay," I assure him. "You need to do things at your own pace, not your sisters."

"At least I can close that chapter with my dad now. I don't need to hold out hope or waste any time wondering how things could have been. I mean, I didn't even know I had those thoughts, but I'm glad I don't anymore."

"Good," I smile sweetly. "I'm proud of you for doing that."

"You're not mad at me, are you?" he asks. "I wouldn't blame you if you were. I did promise it wouldn't happen again."

"I'm not mad," I shake my head. I can't be mad at that. "I was worried about you, and I wish you could've called, but I also understand that you need to take care of yourself."

"I'm working on it, though—this impulsivity shit and my anger. You already have so much to worry about, I don't need to be making it worse for you."

"You don't," I tell him. "It's just part of being with someone. I take on your worries, just like you've taken on mine."

He lets out a deep sigh, shifting his gaze down to the floor, and then back up at me. I wish I knew what he was thinking. His eyes always look so busy. His head must be heavy, I can feel it from here.

"Tomorrow, I'm going to student services," he says. "I haven't made an appointment yet, but I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be better and do better. I want to be the guy you need me to be, and the guy I need me to be."

"Isaac..." I can't help but smile. "I'm really glad to hear that."

"Could you come with me?"

"Of course," I nod. "I'm really proud of you. I know we've talked about this before, but I genuinely think this could help."

"You shouldn't be proud. I should've done this years ago."

"Not if you weren't ready."

"Were you?" his eyes flicker between mine. "Were you ready when you went to therapy?"