In the Absence of Light

46

thank you for 20k my sweet angel babies. 😩🥺 I love you all so much ❤️❤️❤️

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Ivy 

"Isaac," I let out an exhausted breath, eyeing him from across the table. "I really appreciate you being so open and honest, but I don't think it's a good idea for us to be together."

"Of course you don't," he chuckles. "You're way too responsible."

"Well, you made a good point yesterday. We're very different people, and I'm not just sure if that would work."

"You always knew we were different."

"I know, but it hasn't been easy for me to get to this point. I've had to step out of my comfort zone, and I don't think I can handle it anymore. It feels too... dangerous."

"I know," he looks down. "You need someone stable and secure, and I can't promise you that."

"It's not that," I say, but it's exactly that. I don't know what to expect from him—not if he's hot one second and cold the next. It'll just make me more anxious than I already am. "I'm just not ready to be in a relationship yet."

"It's okay, Ivy. I get it. You don't have to explain yourself."

"But on the other hand, you're right," I tell him. "I love– I like sending time with you, and you actually made me feel comfortable. I felt safe with you."

"Felt?"

"Well... yeah," I can't be sure now. I don't want to be with someone who could turn on me at any second. "You really hurt me yesterday, and I just don't want that to happen again."

"It won't. I know me saying that doesn't mean shit, but I just... I want a chance to prove it—to show you I won't fucking hurt you again, no matter what happens."

"But until then, I'm still going to worry about it."

"Then we'll do it on your terms. Whatever you need to make this work, we can do it."

"That sounds so unfair, though."

"It's not. It's my fault we're in this position in the first place."

"But I don't want to be in a relationship where we're not equal partners."

"We are equal," he insists. "I just want to prove to you that I can do better."

"You don't have to do better," I tell him. "I just don't want to get hurt again."

"And you won't."

"But I can't be sure," I repeat. This conversation is going in circles.

"It's your decision," he says. "But if yesterday hadn't happened, would you want to go on another date with me?"

Yes. Definitely. Absolutely. 100%.

But yesterday did happen. And I know he was just projecting his own feelings onto me and trying to push me away so he could focus more on his family, but he didn't have to do it that way. We could've just talked about it. But then again, if he was projecting, maybe that was just a defence mechanism he hasn't learnt to cope with yet.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what's right. There is no easy way to deal with this. I could keep seeing him and risk getting hurt, or I could break things off right now and walk away from him.

Oh god, I hate the thought. I'd miss him. We've become close. We've opened up to each other. We can talk about anything without worrying the other will judge us or worry too much. We just... click. I wouldn't be able to forget about him.