AM Conversations (Niall Horan)

Chapter 54

NIALL

I was done with work earlier than usual, perhaps because I couldn't seem to concentrate or do anything good. The words didn't want to come out and if someone had just met me, they could believe I had never touched a guitar in my life. I closed my eyes when I got out of the building and inhaled deeply. I had stopped trying to forget the words Olivia had told me. They kept hitting the sides of my brain like a fucking screensaver and it was torturing me.

"I can't stop loving you, no matter how hurt I get. No matter how sad you make me. No matter how tough this is. Because it's so tough dating you, Niall. I never thought it would be so hard."

I had never stopped myself to think about how hard it was to date me. In fact, I never cared before and I never stayed with someone long enough to think about it. All I really understood with her words was that I kept hurting her and making her feel like shit, and that despite that, she still loved me and would stay with me. It should be a relief, but it actually brought a constant feeling of guilt and pain inside me. What kind of monster does that? What kind of person was I if I just kept her around while hurting her? What kind of person was I becoming and how would I be able to look at myself in the mirror after that?

I felt something stir in my stomach and started walking in the city without a specific destination. I didn't want to go home and I was not sure why, I pushed my hands in my pockets, my mind still on my girlfriend and everything we had gone through in the past months. If there was one thing I knew, it was that I loved her. I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone and I knew i'd never feel like that for anyone else.

"Love is not everything." I let out in a low voice, repeating her words as I tried to let them sink in. "But it should be, Olivia, shouldn't it?"

I sighed, knowing i'd never be able to tell her that face to face and stopped walking for a few seconds. I breathed in and out, focusing on the air in my lungs but despite my best efforts, I couldn't stop my heart from beating hard against my rib cage. It was ridiculous. I wanted to be with her, I wanted our story to last, but the simple thought made me feel uneasy. Heidi was right, I didn't want this to be the last experience i'd have, whether it was emotionally or sexually, and I was not ready to commit, at least not the way Olivia was. I held my breath wondering if I was lying to myself about the guilt and pain I felt knowing that I kept hurting her and that maybe it wasn't the real reason why I wanted out but I just shook my head and opened my eyes. Both reasons were real but they felt very opposite. Letting go of her because I kept hurting her and I wanted her to be happy looked like abnegation, but wanting to protect my freedom was selfish as hell.

I stopped at a cafe that was almost empty and ordered one before sitting alone at a table. I grabbed my phone to send my girlfriend a text message but quickly changed my mind. What could I tell her anyway? I was not going to break up with her in a text message and just sending her 'we need to talk' is a torture she clearly didn't deserve.

I started looking at pictures of us together and frowned a bit, swallowing hard. She had been nothing but a great best friend and a good girlfriend that did all she could to adapt to the lifestyle I was stuck in and I was about to break her heart. The sudden realization that I was really going to leave her came to me and made my whole body throb. I felt nauseous and I gripped the sides of the small table until my fingers turned white. I didn't really want to do this and at the same time, I knew I had to, and not only for her, but also for myself.

I stared at the dark color of my coffee for a while, hoping I was actually drinking something a bit stronger. I was not going to, though, if only to be sure I wouldn't be intoxicated when i'd get back home to tell her. I owed her that, didn't i? Plus, I was sort of expecting her to fight back or beg me to change my mind, and I knew it was going to be hard resisting, but changing my mind would only mean postponing the whole thing.