AM Conversations (Niall Horan)

Chapter 24

NIALL

I never thought i'd ever have to get over my best friend. I never thought i'd ever lose her at all. But I had to be honest with myself. She was gone, and she had been gone for a while now. A day had turned into a week and a week into 5 more, and there was only one way I found to take my mind off of Liv, at least for a couple hours a day. It was Maya. I asked her on a few dates and after a while, I had no choice but to accept being official. We didn't announce it but we had been seen together and every time a new picture of us appeared online, I couldn't help but wonder if Olivia had seen it and if that made her even angrier at me.

She was not dating Harry or at least, if she was, they had been very discreet about it. They were seen together but never hand in hand or showing affection. They were probably keeping that private and I couldn't lie and pretend it didn't twist my stomach. I felt like they were best friends now and although I knew it sounded juvenile, I couldn't help but be slightly jealous.

I wanted to call her, text her or even go see her more than anything but I didn't. I was trying to respect that she needed time away from me even if it was killing me. Meanwhile, I was trying to keep myself busy and I couldn't pretend Maya wasn't helping. I had been writing a lot, too, throwing my feelings into songs. I had never been the best when it came to expressing my emotions and the only way i could really do it was through music.

"Still writing?"

I suddenly got out of my thoughts and looked up, meeting the eyes of my girlfriend who sat in front of me at the kitchen's table. She bent closer, trying to read what I was writing but I quickly closed my notebook and sent her a small smile.

"Sorry, not really in the mood to share." I explained, shaking my pen between two of my fingers.

Her smile faded and she shrugged. With time, I had learned to decipher most of her body language and expression and I knew that she was hurt and a bit jealous. It was tough with Maya, she was not straightforward the way Olivia was and most of the time I had to guess what she wanted and how she felt. I had to admit it made the relationship harder to deal with and way more exhausting than it should be.

We remained in silence for a few minutes as I tried to decide if I wanted to ask her what was wrong, or if I just wanted to let go and pretend nothing was happening. It's not that I didn't feel anything for Maya. In fact, I had affection for her and I cared about her, but at the same time, there was something missing. It was not her, she was not the problem. The problem was me and how I couldn't seem to be totally happy without my best friend.

"Can I ask you something?"

I stopped breathing but dared looking up at Maya who had tilted her head and was now playing with her fingers. I knew that whatever that question was about, it would bring a painful conversation and I really was not in the mood. Still, I nodded gently.

"Do you love me, Niall?"

Of all the questions I thought she could ask, this would never have crossed my mind. My lips parted and my eyebrows raised as I tried to find a nice way to answer her.

"Maya, we've been dating for less than a month, I mean, I just don't catch feelings like that, you know? Love is a big deal."

"Fine." she replied a little roughly. "Then just tell me this, do you think you'll ever be able to love me as much as you love her?"

She had put emphasis and maybe a bit of disgust on the last word and although I knew exactly who she was talking about, I simply frowned and leaned against my chair, pretending not to understand.

"Don't act like you don't know who i'm talking about, Niall." she pointed out, her facial expression turning into an angry one. "Just answer me and be honest."