AM Conversations (Niall Horan)

Chapter 5

OLIVIA

It was a weird dream that woke me up but as soon as my eyes opened, I forgot about it. I blinked a few times, trying to wake myself up completely, but I could still feel how tired I was and I knew that as soon as i'd move, a thumping headache would make my day even worse.

Niall was close to me, his face only a few inches from mine, and he was still asleep. I tried to breathe in and out slowly from my nose to be sure I wouldn't literally poison him with my bad beer breath. The aftertaste was still invading my buds but I tried not to think about it as my eyes roamed on Niall's face. The memories from the past night came back to my mind and I tried to remember every single detail and emotion that took me over but the only thing that seemed to echo in my head was how I literally told my best friend I loved him and always have.

Slowly, I brought my hand to his cheek and let my fingertips brush against his skin, allowing the feelings I had for him to flood me, almost drowning me, as I stared at him.

"I was talking about you, idiot."

My voice was so low I could barely hear myself and my own words made my heart jump hard in my chest. I don't remember ever telling anyone outloud that I loved Niall. Most of the time, I pushed the feelings deep down my stomach and covered it with other kind of emotions. It was true, I couldn't deal with how I felt and I didn't want to. I knew that if I allowed myself to fully love him and hope for him, I would never heal from him. I was convinced the best way to remain happy was to ignore how i feel for him and focus on something else but once in a while, very very rarely, I let the feelings invade me.

He was pretty and it was even more obvious from up close. My fingers moved down to his chin and I let my thumb brush on his bottom lip. Sometimes, I really wanted to kiss him and this was one of those times. We had kissed once at a party when we were younger, but playing 'spin the bottle' was not really the experience I wanted and If I was honest, it only made everything worse for me.

He snored lightly and it made me jump and smile as I took my hand away but kept on staring at him. It was still dark in the room, even if the sun was slightly peeking through the curtain, but I could see his traits perfectly.

"It was always you and it will always be you."

Once again, I had whispered so low I was not even sure of what I had said but it made him wiggle gently. He let a groan escape his lips and finally sighed. I knew he was awake now and I tried to calm my heartbeats, scared that he may have heard what I said. I loved him. I loved my best friend, and it was not platonic. It was completely romantic and so deep that it felt like it was a part of me. A part that would never die, no matter how hard I would try to kill it.

He opened his eyes and they met mine, making me hold my breath. I could feel myself build my wall again, bringing torpor and numbness back as I hid my deepest and most intense feelings on the other side, away from anyone's sight, even mine.

"Hey you." he let out before clearing his throat. "Slept well?"

I sent him a smile but just nodded. I was not ready to talk just yet, scared that my voice would break.

"Migraine? Nausea? A feeling of emptiness?"

I chuckled and raised my nose up in a grimace, bringing my hand over my mouth.

"A little bit of all of this."

He let out a low laugh, still staring at me.

"And a bad breath, i'm guessing." he joked, glancing at my hand.

"Perhaps."

He looked at me with an amused grin for a while and finally sat up, grabbing my hand and moving it away from my face.