Oxford Boys

20. how to feel

I decide to stay and quickly send Emily a message I won't be home to eat, as we are still on our homework. Jake and I manage to work off another topic and comparing it. After the tension dropped a little it was easier. I curled up on the one side of the couch and Jake on the other. The distance between us making it easier for both of us.

How can there even be this tension in the air, after five years and all the things which have happened? Is it because of the amazing night we had last week?

Last weekend I still hated Jake, hated what he did to me and how much he hurt me. And now it feels like I need to run, because he is getting closer to me than he should.

And honestly, it's scaring the living shit out of me right now.

Jake ordered us pizza and while eating he switches the TV on.

"You still into horror movies?", he mumbles over the last piece of pizza he's about to bite off from.

"Yep, but I think I really should get going after we have eaten. Emi is probably waiting for me and I'm nearly sure Evans has been waiting too."

"You and Evans? I thought there's nothing going on between the two of you." His face is set into a slight frown now.

It feels so awkward and wrong talking to Jake about it. Especially as my mind keeps on drifting off to Jake when I am with Evans and sure as hell, I don't want Jake to know how much impact he has on me.

"There isn't exactly. I didn't lie when I told you I haven't had a relationship since us and I haven't slept with Evans. But he did kiss me last night."

"Oh", his shoulders slack down. "And did you kiss him back?"

Hell, I don't know if I want Jake to know this part. A part of me does and another part doesn't. So instead I decide to stay silent.

"I see, so you did", his eyes trail off. "Should have known by the way the two of you spend time together."

"I only kissed him back shortly, until I realized what I was doing. He took me by surprise it was unexpected. Then I pushed him away", why the hell am I explaining myself to him?

"Why did you push him away?" 

"Because I'm a mess, I told you beforehand."

"Do you like him?"

"Yeah I guess I do."

"You guess?", he sounds weird all of a sudden, his stern voice getting louder.

"I do like him. It's just...."

"Just what Sam?", he questions now with an edge to his voice, telling me just how angry he is right now.

"Why the hell are you getting angry with me?"

"Just what Sam?", this time he's nearly yelling.

"I don't fucking know Jake. I don't know if I like him enough. I don't know if he can fucking compare to the feeling with you. I don't know if I can ever feel the same for anyone else than you. You happy now?" I scream into his face. Why did I have to burst out with this? I don't want him to know any of this.

"I don't know", he sighs now sounding defeated again. "I want you to be happy, but I can't bear the thought of you being happy with anyone else but me. I know it's damn selfish, but just the thought of Evans kissing you makes me feel like I want to punch his face."

He buries his face in his palm. "All along I fucked other girls, just for the fun of it. Because I thought at some point I'll get you off my fucking mind. I knew I had lost all rights to be in your heart. I hoped you would be happy somewhere and have moved on, as much as the thought hurt. That's what I really thought you deserved. But then you appeared here, our night together. And then you telling me, you never had a relationship after me. Sam now that you are here right in front of me, I don't want to watch you move on right now. It's so fucking egoistic, but I don't want to watch someone else snap you away in front of me, if I haven't had the chance to at least fight for you. You know why I wanted you so much on that party last week?", I shrug, unable to speak. "It was your eyes. Even if I didn't know it was you, it was as if I could have you for one night. These eyes I loved so much and could drown in at any time. I never cared to see a girl's face under the mask, but I wanted to see yours, hoping that person would have some features of you. I know you regret what we did, but I don't not one single second, because it was amazing. You were amazing. I don't spend whole nights with girls, I'll fuck them once and leave. Even if I didn't know it was you, you were special to me from the very first second. You blew my mind that night, like every single time I just used to look at you in the past. And damn yea, I am happy you aren't sure about Evans, because that might leave me a fucking small chance to fight for you. And I will Sam, I am not just going to let you go without fighting this time. I made that damn mistake once, I am not repeating it."