Oxford Boys

18. getting the mind sorted

I am in such a fucking mess, I decide to take a cab home instead of walking half an hour. Fresh air might have helped, but with the thoughts killing my mind I probably would have gotten lost on the way. At the moment I don't know how the hell to think straight.

Is Jake telling me the truth? Why can't I remember him trying to help me? He's right at that time Jake wasn't fully grown, while Michael nearly was. Michael was in the sports team and very muscular, while the only sports Jake did was our skating. He wouldn't have had a chance against Michael. But why can I remember him running away and not him trying to fight Michael?

I remember the words Evans told me about the drugs, maybe it does all make sense.

What the hell could Michael's family have against Jake's family, that they would let him get away with rape and even put the blame on me? God I can't believe what he has just revealed.

Jake, my god Jake does feel guilty. Even if I always wished for him to feel it, I hated him the last five years for what he did. Seeing him so broken today didn't feel right at all. Sure, he should have known better but he said they made him do it. He was fifteen at the time I don't know from what he had to protect his family. But would I have handled against mum if it was her and Grams being threatened?

I'd like to say I would have, but to be honest I don't know. I would like to think I would have been the person to stick up for someone's rights. How brave are you with fifteen if your family is being threatened?

His breakdown today was real, he didn't want to hurt me. Does that make a difference to me? It doesn't change what happened. How is it fair that both our lives have been destroyed through a crime Michael committed?

I hated Jake so long, maybe even more than Michael. Michael was the one to commit the rape, in my eyes though Jake hurt me even more by running and lying as he was my boyfriend I had trusted ever since. But he didn't run like I thought he did and I finally know why he lied. Even if not exactly.

And I'd be a fucking fool if I denied how we react to each other. I like Evans a lot and yes, I am attracted to him, but with Jake the smallest touch sets my skin on fire. And it scares the shit out of me. I shouldn't be feeling this with him. Especially not after all we have been through.

Entering our apartment, it doesn't take long for Emily to come storming to me seeing the expression on my face.

"My god, what has happened?"

I try to tell her the short version. Her jaw drops in disbelief. I've never seen Emily lost for words, guess this a new for her.

"Emi, I don't know what the hell to do? I don't think I can hate him anymore and I don't know what to do or how to feel? This is so fucked up."

"Honey I can't tell you how to feel or what to do. Listen to your heart just be careful."

I nod. "I need to take a decent shower" I say because I don't know how else to react.

At the moment I don't know what the hell my heart is telling me. Standing in the shower I turn the water on as hot as I am able to bare. I need the slight pain to sooth my other senses and take my mind off of things. Leaving the shower, I do notice feeling a little better.

Alright with this mood I can't quite go without a statement today, but I decide for one Jimmy sure won't mind. And my jeans may not be quite as decent as on Monday, but it's only torn on my knees which is decent enough. Besides I think, not being dressed too decent won't matter too much in that pub.

If I am to be the new attraction, they might just get a little more real Samantha, I think they all will enjoy it.

As soon as I open the door for Evans, his eyes widen and he bursts out into laughter. "Ok Statement girl, this is more you. I am sure Jimmy is going to like it."