Miss Americana // The Beatles

Chapter 30

Chapter 30

August 23, 1962

"He's what?" I asked Paul as I paced in front of him.

Paul had come into my room this morning, telling me some not so good news. Paul was sat on my bed.

"Cynthia's pregnant. He has to marry her or she'll get disowned or something  crazy," Paul told me, "His Aunt Mimi doesn't even approve, and so she's not going. George and I are going to go stand with him."

John was getting married  to Cynthia this morning, and I wasn't sure why it was effecting me like this. I was also mad that George was choosing to go to John's wedding instead of staying with me. I hadn't seen him this morning. Cynthia was pregnant. John was marrying her. I couldn't wrap my brain around him marrying someone else even though things weren't the same between us anymore. I didn't  think it would bother me this much, considering that John  and I hadn't  spoken to each other since April. He had told me he was  still in love  with me. He had held me in that room with Stuart's body. Maybe that's what was throwing me off. How can  you get married  if you still love someone else?

I sat down next to Paul and sighed.

"Are you okay, Sasha?"

I  bit my lip to try and  keep from getting upset, "I don't know. I didn't  think it would hurt  me this much to hear that he's marrying someone  else. I don't think I love him  anymore, but that was supposed to be us, you  know?"

I couldn't admit to Paul that I still did love John. I didn't want to be pathetic.

Paul wrapped his arm me,  "It's okay to be upset about it.  You were going to take that step with  John, not someone else. I just  know that the main reason he's marrying  her is because she's pregnant.  Hell, John doesn't want to get married  to her."

"How do you know?" I asked him

"Because," Paul sighed, "Last night he told me that he'll never love anyone or anything as much as he loved you."

***

I thought about Paul's words as I walked down the street with some flowers I had bought. John was marrying Cynthia at this very moment. Paul and George were there with him. I hadn't seen George this morning, and I couldn't believe he would choose to be with John instead of me. Then again, George thought I was over John. He didn't know about mine and John's conversation that night in Hamburg. Maybe I do need to get over him. Now he was getting married, and he was going to have a child with her. I wiped away a tear that had fallen as I walked into the cemetery.

I found Stu's resting place, laying the flowers down on the headstone. I sat down, facing his name and the date of his birth and the date of his death. I started to cry. I missed him. I knew he would be here with me now, holding me and comforting me.

"I miss you, Stu," I whispered into the wind, crying, "You were my best friend. I loved you."

I thought about last August, the month Stu and I saw each other every day, and went to bed with each other every night. I don't regret sleeping with him. He was my best friend. He made me feel like there was someone that loved and cared about me in a time that I thought no one did. I missed him so much.

I buried my head into my knees, crying, the wind whipping around me.

"Darling," I heard someone's voice above me, "I thought you'd be here."

I looked up to find George standing above me. He sat down next to me on the ground.

"How was the wedding?" I asked him, scoffing.