Miss Americana // The Beatles

Chapter 19

Chapter 18

October 1, 1960

By  early morning we had  made it to Calais, France by train. I was far away  from Hamburg now. I  was far away from John. I honestly believe that I  am still in shock  after last night's incidents. My eyes scanned the  building. Stu was  waiting in line at the ticket counter to get us on the  next ferry to  England. My eyes locked on a young couple embracing. The  man looked  like he was leaving for some kind of business trip with his  briefcase  and suitcase sitting beside his feet. They kissed once more  before he  made his way to the gate. She smiled and waved at him, and he  did the  same with a blown kiss before he disappeared. My eyes clouded  with  tears as I watched the couple say their 'goodbye for-nows'. I  closed my  eyes to let the tears slowly escape down my cheeks. When I  closed my  eyes, all I saw was John waiting at the end of the hall for  me.

I imagined him  apologizing over and over in the sweet and  frantic way that he does. I  imagined him begging for me to stay in that  awful town just a few  months longer. We'll be in Liverpool soon enough, and then I will make you my wife and never look back, forever and always, John would say to me.

He  wasn't here,  however. He hadn't chased after me. I wondered what he was  doing now. I  glanced at a large clock on the wall and watched the tiny  hand tick, tick, tick to  the small dash just before the twelve.  When the small hand met the  twelve, the second hand pointed to it. It  was now two in the morning. I  bet John was performing with the band,  still drunk, still hyped up on  Preludin. I shook my head as more tears  threatened to spill over.

Where had I gone wrong?  When did I lose  my John to this new Hamburg John that was a monster  with cold eyes and a  dark soul? I just couldn't believe that Stu had  convinced me to get  out. I knew that I couldn't stick around. I knew  that in the back of my  mind, but all I wanted was for my John to hold  me in his arms and tell  me that everything was going to be alright. I  was still numb, still in  shock that I was sitting here miles away from  John with a bruised face  and an aching body, injuries that John himself  gave me. I kept reliving  it in my mind over and over again.

I felt a hand on my thigh and opened my eyes quickly, it was Stu.

"You alright?" he asked. I nodded, but I was lying.

We  sat in silence for a  good ten minutes. I knew that Stu didn't know what  to say, and I'm  glad that he couldn't find the words. Nothing anyone  could say could  make it any better.

Stu finally cleared his  throat  to speak, "The ferry leaves in ten minutes. It ends up in Dover,  then  we'll have to catch another train to Liverpool. The ferry's supposed to arrive around  4:30. We  should be in Liverpool by ten."

I nodded again. I  couldn't speak. I  could only cry and nod. Stu brought me into a hug,  and the announcer  called our ferry number to board. I tried to sleep on  the way to  England, but every time I would close my eyes I would  either see John or  relive the night before. When we arrived in Dover, Stu  carried me to the train  station, as it was too far for my weak body to  walk.

On the train  to  Liverpool, Stu ordered us some tea and snacks when the trolley came   round, but I couldn't eat. I was sick to my stomach, and I wasn't sure   if it was from the physical or emotional trauma.

"Sasha," Stu  spoke  quietly to me, "I know you don't want to, but you should probably  eat  something. It would make you feel better."

His words made me  burst  into tears, and I spoke for the first time since we had left  Hamburg  as he held me in his arms, "Nothing will make things better.  Don't you  understand? I just lost the love of my life. He betrayed me.  He turned  into someone else. I trusted him with my heart and soul and  life. I  gave everything to him, Stu. It's never going to get better  because I  loved him more than life itself, and now that he's gone I  don't know  what to do."