Miss Americana // The Beatles

Chapter 20

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Chapter 19

October 9, 1960

I laid in Stu's bed at the old flat, staring up at the ceiling. It was half past seven in the evening now. The past seven days have been spent like this, alone in this flat. That night in Hamburg played over and over again in my mind every time I closed my eyes. Stu had called a couple of days ago to check on me. He was the only one who had. I didn't expect my own brother not to call or write to see how I was, or maybe he didn't know the extent of what John had done to me, since him and Stu don't really speak. I scoffed at my brother's jealousy over Stuart and the way he acted toward him in Hamburg. The thoughts of my brother were soon taken over by thoughts of John. Today was his birthday. I had asked Stuart about him on the phone the other day. He told me John was in bad shape. Stuart told me that John didn't remember anything from that night, and Stuart had to tell him when he returned to Hamburg, but he left out the part about me being pregnant. That was another thing I had to deal with. At some point I was going to have to tell John.

It made me feel strange that he didn't even remember that night when it played out so vividly in my mind when I closed my eyes. It didn't surprise part of me when he said he didn't recall any of it, because he was so far gone when I entered the bathroom. I sighed. I didn't know what to do. Stuart had told me that John wasn't the same, he didn't speak to anyone and he looked uninterested and wasn't himself when the band played at night. I worried about him. I wish I could see him. Stuart advised me to wait until the band was back in Liverpool, which was promised to be before Christmas. He told me he would talk to John. He told me that even though John didn't remember what he had done, that it was his responsibility to approach me first and apologize to me, and I agreed with Stu. I just didn't know how I would be able to look at him and be near him when I know the only thing on my mind would be that night.

I looked over to the clock to see that only ten minutes had passed, it felt like I had been thinking for eternity. I got up quickly, feeling a bit dizzy as I sat on the side of the bed. I hadn't eaten anything all day. I walked into the kitchen and looked through the cupboards. Stu had been nice enough to go to the market for me before he left for Hamburg a week ago. I made myself a cup of tea and grabbed a packet of custard creams to eat. I sat down on the sofa and stared at one of Stu's paintings sitting on an easel in the corner of the room. A sharp pain entered my lower abdomen. I sat my tea and biscuits down on the side table. The sharp pains entered again, I doubled over. I stood carefully and made my way to the bathroom, clutching my stomach, walking hunched over. Tears streamed down my face, it was hurting so badly. When I got to the bathroom, I looked down at my feet and screamed. Blood was running down my legs and making puddle on the floor around my feet. My mind was blank, my vision blurry. I had to call Stu. I tried to make my way to the phone in the bedroom, next to it Stu had scribbled the number to Astrid's house. I dialed it. The pain in my abdomen was intense. I was still bleeding onto the hardwood floor of the bedroom.

The other line rang through before it stopped, "Guten tag, das ist Astrid."

"Astrid," I was sobbing, "This is Sasha, is Stu there?"

"Sasha, are you okay?" She sounded concerned, "I'll get him, hold on."

I was shaking from the pain and from the sight of how much I was bleeding.

"Sasha, what's wrong?" I heard Stu's voice calmly on the other end.

"Stu," I tried catch my breaths from the sobs and the pain.

"Sasha," Stu said, "Take some deep breaths. What's going on?"

I took some deep breaths like he told me, "I'm bleeding, Stuart. My stomach hurts so badly. I'm bleeding, so much."