past oblivion.

new year.

[ 12. 31 ]

page 365 of 365. another chapter of my life is gonna be over in a little less than 12 hours and i'm hype for the positivity i wanna bring myself next year.

first off, lemme clear something up - i'm not the "resolution" type. at all. i saw from early on that it's bullshit promises from 75% of the people who make them. however, i'm optimistic at the moment, and i realize that it doesn't have to be bullshit. it's my future, so i can and will control it as much as i can. actually, it's not that complicated..

resolution uno - start yoga and meditation. flexibility and peace of mind seems nice, so why not go for it? i just haven't the slightest on what to do or how to start.

resolution dos - finish books i've started. i've been writing online since thanksgiving 2011 and to this day, that frank ocean story is THE only story i've ever finished. i wanna change that, starting with finishing teen spirit so i can truly get done that part in my life. not like anyone cares but when i wrote that, i'd had a bad year before that that i still hadn't recovered from, and i still carried that resentment and anger that manifests itself in juniper's killings. but i'm not there anymore, and i want to try to put that behind me... feel me?

resolution tres - work on my attitude, but without losing myself in the process. for example, i'd like to think of myself as rebellious when it comes down to it, but it's from being told what to do and getting sick of it. at times this rebellious streak is what i admire in myself when i feel weak, but it's also the cause of problems. it sounds stupid, but when people tell me what to do in a certain situation as if i can't handle myself without their advice, it pisses me off and i go against what they told me just to prove that i can handle myself with or without their guidance. (of course this almost always comes back to bite me and causes problems.) then, i hear i'm mean, i'm petty, etc... it's driven good people away from me so it's gotta end.

resolution cuatro - exercise and eat way better. no, i'm not gonna say that i'm giving up junk food completely because

a) that's a fucking lie

b) not giving yourself ANY leaves you more prone to binging on a shitload of it when you finally get some.

no, i just need to drink more water (i rarely drink during the day, but i make sure that it's water), and do more besides just walking.

resolution cinco - accept myself / love myself. i came to the conclusion last night that no matter what, you'll never be 100% pleasing to anyone (not even yourself), but you're awesome so that's okay. you are the way you are for a reason, so don't go doing something drastic to try and severely alter the masterpiece that is you. sure, some tweaks here and there are fine, but you're great just the way you are. you also gotta know that you should never fully depend on other's approval or whatever for happiness, or else you'll never be happy. don't dwell on what people say about you (no matter who said it, and no matter how they said it) because really, only your opinion matters. at the end of the day, it's only going to be you.

that's about it. last one is going to take awhile, no doubt, but i'll make it through, even if i have to drag myself to it instead of having a lasting epiphany of self-worth like i lowkey planned. and if you made some resolutions, guess what? you'll make it, too. just stay positive, but also keep it real with yourself and know that no change that lasts is gonna come overnight. alright?

okay. ♥

( by the way, if anyone has any resolutions they feel like telling me, i'd love to hear them. )

P.S. - #carefreeblackgirls2k15 , yaaassss!