past oblivion.

prelude to a breakdown // words i could never say

[ 10. 4 ]

i'm about to fucking lose it.

i

can't.

this is not living.

i do not seek death

but i cannot continue living like this.

see, my dilemma is, 

suicide is an automatic trip to hell, 

but i got 4 more years to deal with your shit.

nigga, i can't even take 4 more months!!!!!! 

maybe you're right, dad.

maybe this is just a phase,

maybe this ain't love,

maybe i don't even know what love is.

but i know what love is not.

love is not sending punches 

by way of words

and knocking me out with the fucking bible,

bullying me for being the way i am,

then turning around, 

hugging me and kissing my head,

telling me we'll get through this.

love is not scarring your loved one's psyche, 

love is not bullying the person you supposedly love.

i can't fucking take you anymore. this is worse than a few years ago, when those girls back in sixth grade made fun of me for everything down to my clothes, to not being able to get the dude i wanted's attention, and you refused to see that your only daughter was contemplating suicide at the tender age of 12. you told me i was being soft, that i didn't need those pills mama and the doctor put me on, that i needed to just worry about myself.

now, the bully is the one person i wish i could run to whenever i'm mad or sad because i'm tired of people staring at me, and i'm tired of her mama hating me the way you seemingly hate her. i wish you'd just fucking listen to me sometimes. you always saying no one loves me more than you, but nobody's hurt me more than you, dad.

you yelling at me and accusing me of things earlier today had me on the verge of tears for an hour or two, and then you being sweet to me when i came back after seeing if someone could come over had me so confused. love me or hate me, don't fuck my head up by loving your daughter but hating who she is.

remember how you told me how you'd always wanted a daughter? how your homies were surprised when you said you wanted your first child to be a daughter, but you didn't care what they thought because you were happy i was in mama's belly? and how you argued with that doctor when he told y'all i wasn't there, when he said, "mr. p, i'm a man of science.", you said "well doctor, i'm a man of faith, and i'm telling you that that baby is still there." and you were right, how happy you were when you knew you were?

i wonder if you'd have been as happy for me to be here if you'd known i'd turn out 'like this'.