You Have ONE New Message

Winter Ball. The Letter.

For @ImveryComplicated who coined the ship name Manah, and also for setting up the Twitter fan account

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Dear Anah,

        I’ve started this letter a hundred and one times, but each time I’ve ended up balling up the paper and throwing it away. Why? Because there was no way I could write down all my thoughts and not seem… weird. Then I remember back to the early days of our ‘relationship’ and I know that no matter what I write, you wouldn’t care how I come across. After all, I’m the boy you liked to call Annoying Creeper for weeks on end.

        So, what did I want to write? The simple answer would be this: Everything.

        First, I need to spill a secret. That email I wrote you back in September… I didn’t write it. My best friend did. He’s known for years how I look at you, how I dream about you, how I watch you when you can’t see me. He also knew that I would never have the courage to tell you any of this. That’s why, when he found out you were the Agony Aunt for the school’s newspaper, he wrote you the email. Trust me, I could have killed him for doing it, but when you wrote back… You said that if you were Milly- the girl that I was in love with- you would want to know that someone was in love with you. That gave me hope.

        Then I text you.

        Just like this letter, I wrote and re-wrote that message too many times to count. So I just went with the two things I was sure of- one, it was morning, and two, you are beautiful. From that day onwards, it became my thing to say to you.

        I know, at first, you weren’t sure about me. Hell, if a stranger started to text me and refused to tell me who they were, I would have changed my number, or better yet, moved State. You didn’t. I like to think that subconsciously you were intrigued and that’s why you text me back in the first place.

        I was persistent. I wouldn’t give up on you easily. After years of wanting you, I was so close… but so far. I couldn’t tell you who I was. If you had known my name right from the start, you wouldn’t have wanted to know me. Half of me worries that once you see me, you’ll run in the other direction. Would you still want me?

        You didn’t at the beginning and it almost killed me. Seeing Jake Preston with his tongue down your throat at Kyle’s party hurt, I won’t lie. I thought for a while you were doing it to get me to back off. I’ve never wanted to punch someone as much as I wanted to punch Jake for kissing you.

        I hated seeing you with anyone who wasn’t me.

        I think- no, I know- that’s why I got jealous of you going on that date with Brenton Lewis. I got jealous even though I knew it wasn’t a real date, and I wanted so bad to kill Haley, Ben and Brenton for making you go. The only upside to the whole thing was the fact that I finally got you to agree to be my girlfriend.

        But then came the inevitable ‘should I tell her my name’ debate.

        That night I couldn’t sleep for thinking about it all. Shouldn’t a girl know what her boyfriend’s name is? Of course, she should. I knew then, as I lay awake in my bed with you on my mind, that I had to tell you.

        I just wasn’t expecting you to say ‘I love you’ in return.

        Don’t get me wrong, I loved hearing you say those words to me, but a part of me hated that you couldn’t say them to me. Does that make sense? I’m not sure if it does, but I’ll explain it. In a normal relationship, the boyfriend and girlfriend meet, they date, they fall in love, they say ‘I love you’ face to face and then they live happily ever after.

        That’s how it should be. But with us, that’s not how it was. I guess we’re not like all those other couples.

        I ran your words around my head for hours, contemplating their validity. Did you really love me or were you caught up in the moment? The next morning, you didn’t mention it. All you wanted to say was my name over and over again. Apparently, you like saying my name. But I had to know the truth. You avoided the subject whenever I brought it up in conversation, and then just as I was starting to think that you honestly hadn’t meant the words, you said it again.

        I love you.

        Funny how it took you another day to officially tell me!

        I knew, after that, there was no way back. I had to tell you how I felt, and saying those words to you felt liberating. They were the words that had been choking me for years, and as soon as I was able to say them aloud, I knew that this was it for me. You were my whole life.

        However, telling you my name meant that you wanted to know who I was. Being Matt wasn’t enough, and you had to know which Matt I was. I don’t blame you. I can imagine that it was really irritating for you, especially when you factor in how impatient you are.

        So I had the idea of doing a treasure hunt for you on Halloween. I had it planned meticulously… I was going to get you to follow the clues, then hold you in my arms and then kiss you. Instead, I assaulted you. I’m still full of guilt about that. Especially considering you had to walk around with a bruised eye for days. But the treasure hunt did give me an idea.

        I would leave things in your locker for you- things that would enable you to get to know me better. I don’t think you were too happy with the fact that I knew your combination, and you’re probably wondering how I got it, huh?

        Let’s just say that Haley should look over her shoulder when she’s breaking into your locker on your birthday.

        Anyway, I’m not sure if the clues helped you at all, but soon enough you were creating a… what did you call it? A Matt List? A list of all the Matt’s in our class. In no time at all you whittled us down to four.

        Well, Penguin, the time is nearly upon us. Tonight, we’re going to meet. After months of buildup, it all comes to this.

        If I said that I was looking forward to tonight, it would be a lie. In fact, I’m dreading it. Now, Babe, don’t frown like I know you are. All I mean is- I’m terrified. I am so damned scared that you won’t like who I am and that these past few months are all I will ever get of you. Because fifteen weeks just isn’t enough. Fifteen years wouldn’t be enough. Hell, fifteen lifetimes would never be enough!

        So, I need to ask you something… a promise. If I’m not the guy you thought me to be, let me down gently, and the sooner the better please. If you back out now, I’ll understand… but if you stay a while, even for a minute, I don’t think my heart or soul could take the sorrow of losing you when you finally decide to leave me.

        Having read this, I hope you know and understand how I feel about you.

Just in case I wasn’t clear in this letter- or at any other time- please know that for the rest of my days, and for infinity, I live, breathe and worship you.

        I love you. Yours. Forever.

        Matt.