Change my Heart, Change my World, Change me

Chapter 14: Aoi's self monologue (unfaithful)

It's hard to suppress your desire to kill someone that you hate with your whole heart and soul.

Ever since she was stumble into the room the first day of school I've been putting my guard up for her. Intentionally or not she was the reasons all those bad things happen to Kii last time. Had she not accused Kii for bullying her, Kii might be not suffer that much. Arzen might be still left Kii for her but Kii would not be put in jail. Those things that happened in that jail might not happen either. Maybe. 

I tried to reason myself that those things are not happening yet or will not ever happen in my watch. I keep telling myself that that girl, Angela, hasn't do anything to Kii yet. She was still innocent. I might be even can change her attitude to Kii. Yet, I can't bring myself to give her second chance like I did to Arzen. Seems that my hatred for her is just so big that it is even spilling out of my control. Looking at Angela now, make me feel like I want to go back to the me from that time and ask him, what did you ever see in her? I can't believe that I was in love with her. She was just... Terrible? Awful? Pathetic? All of them. Did my brain stop functioning properly last time? 

She is a cheap girl. I saw her making up with her own brother a few times in unused classroom. I remember she said that her brother treat her badly and hate her. He didn't seem to hate her that time. She didn't seems to mind him touching her either. I can even confidently said that she was enjoying it. Then I saw her giving Noah a blow job. Not that I stay to watch. Noah, the fiance that was always treat her awfully because he was obsessed with her, Her words not mine, was begging her to please go faster and let him come already. Again he didn't seems to force her doing it for him. Even I know if it was unconcensual he wouldn't have been begging her for release. I admit that I found that out because I was stalking her. I wanted to know what kind of girl Angela is actually. She is one of the reasons why Kii is hurt after all. I need to know all of her to be able to find an effective counter attack. What I found makes me sick. I want to puke when I remembered I was touched by her last time. I thought she was pure. Pure! I really want to shake the me back then and ask him to wake up and open his eyes. How can I didn't see that she was a slut back then?

I really pity the Aoi back then. I was so blinded by her fake kindness that I didn't see her trueself. Was I starving for love that much that time? I can't take back what was already happened. Even though it was not happen yet this time but for me it was already happened. I remember it after all. My only salvation is that this Arzen is not really care much for Angela. He was blinded yes, but this time he was blinded by Kii. Which is fine as long as he doesn't dare to corrupt her. As for Angela, She seems to be obsessed about Arzen. She follows him everywhere. She tries to speak to him even when he clearly ignore her. Her attempts to get Arzen's attention is amusing at first, then it starts to get annoying after the accident it is just plainly disgusting. How dense she can be? No, it was not denseness. She just refuse to accept reality. She refuses to believe that Arzen's heart is belong to Kii. What make she thinks that Arzen is hers, I wonder.

She is far different from what I painted her last time. She is not kind, pure or naive. If I was a wolf in a sheep clothing, then she would be a demon fox woman. She gathered bunch of men to serves her needs. I'm ashamed to admit that I was one of them last time. I thought it was her naivety that makes us gathered around her, that makes us want to protect her. It actually might be just her seducing us from the beginning. And we were fools. What kind of man still in love with a girl with a fiance who told them that she loves them yet refuse to leave that said fiance. Her reason? She was also in love with that said fiance and she thinks that she can change that fiance. She told us that last time but our reaction was not disgustment nor disappointment, we feel touched by it. Touched.by.it. I repeat. We think that she was so pure and naive. We think she has such a big kind heart. The truth is she was just an unfaithful woman. When she decided to be with Arzen and just left us like we were some leftover food. We blessed them. Honestly? Thinking about it now, I can't face myself anymore. I'm too ashamed of myself.