Change my Heart, Change my World, Change me

Chapter 5 : Aoi's self monologue ~I knew that~

I knew that he loved her. His eyes always seem to found her even if his expression was always passive. He cared for her in his own way. I knew that. Even back then, I knew he loved her. I understood. What I never understand back then was, why even though he loved her, he kept her at arm's length. He didn't let her get closer. Why he hurts her. Why he choosen someone else. Why he let her die. Well, that was what I thought before I knew the truth.

I can see that he was still in love with her even after her death. He was suffering for letting her down. For letting her dead. For making her feel alone. For not being able to save her. The way he sometimes zoned out, the way his eyes looked at the distant, lost in the past. The way his smile turned fake each times. The way he lived his life that in the outsider eyes seemed perfect but was empty for him. The way he was waiting for death. I knew. I knew even then he never stop loving her. That's why I was not surprised when he falls for her again this time. But...

Why does he come to see her everyday?

After that day, he is been coming over to our house everyday. Every. Fucking. Day. Sigh... I know I've changed something. I knew my actions will have consequences. I was hoping for the better. Not this. I admit I was worry because every time I saw them together their silhouettes overlaping with their past selves and make me remember my traumatic experience. Not that I said it's bad, it's just that the changes are far too different from the last time. I'm aware everything is going to change. It's the reason why I'm here after all. I want to make her life better. I want her to find the happiness that she deserves. I was reluctant to let her be the part of his lives again, I worried that she will get hurt again. But I just can't forget the way he looked at the distant. Lost and in pain. The way he called her name when he thought that he was alone. Soft and longing. The way he keeps coming to that place alone and cried there. Broken. I knew then just how much he loved her.

I was given a second chance to make different choices. To redo everything. To treat her better. To make her happy. To let her know that I love her as much as she does. That's why I want to give him chances too. One more time. To love her. Hopefully this time he will be able to make her happy. I've changed things so I hope along the way it also will change their relationship.

Thought that was my intention. It may be the result of the changes that I've made but this is just too drastic! His attitude is just too different, far far far too different than the last time. He might just a whole different person.

He is been sticking too close to her. He hold her hands, pat her head, hugs her and just being close to her in general, every gotten chance. He takes her everywhere. From studying to training or even when he is going on his touring out the town event. Wherever and whenever he goes she must be there too. It is as if he turned her into his shadow. Sometime I wonder if he is also comes back in time. If last time I don't understand why he wasn't able to show her that he loves her, now I don't understand why he keeps teasing her even though he loves her. I'm starting to worry that her face will turn red permanently. I hope he is not bullying her. Well, she doesn't seem to be afraid of him or hate him so I think he is okay at least. Again, not that I think this is bad but God... What I've done?

I hope, desperately hope that this time around everything is going to be fine. I promised myself that this time I will protect her. She will be my priority. My number one. I don't want to lose her again. Like before.

Before. I never paid close attention to her. I love her but last time she always been send to her room every time I tried to be nice to her. My mother always said that we wouldn't want to make Midori Nee-sama sad. Midori Nee-sama was fragile and sensitive. We wouldn't want to make her feel left out just because she was not as strong as us or worse make her feel like she was not part of our family just because she was adopted. Midori Nee-sama need mother by her side to remind her that she would always be our family first daughter even though she was not Mother and father biological daughter. We never realized or more likely they never realized, because even if I didn't act like I know, I knew that by doing that they, we made her felt left out. We made her lonely. We always made Midori Nee-sama our priorities to the point that we made her, the biological daughter of our house abandoned.