I Was Never Loved

I Was Never Loved- chp 2

Chapter 2

Now sixteen, things were no better. My adorable baby brother Matt was had grown into an arrogant son of a bitch thanks to years of instruction, praise and special treatment from his mother. There was little surprise in the fact he was still the favourite she would bend over backward for at the risk of breaking her spine. On the other hand, no one ever thought of me in anything they did and I learnt to be content with that lifestyle. I didn't need them; I didn't need their love or their affections. For me there was no such thing as love; it was merely an illusion brought on by a chemical reaction in the brain, and that was that. The only exception to my rule, I suppose, was my mother relaying these words to her son. There was something genuine there and it was something I would never know.

Today marked the beginning of a new life for me. I would be transferring to another school to get a fresh start. It had nothing to do with bullies or my grades, the matter was simply that too many people were beginning to make speculations about how I had gotten my bruises. I didn't understand why it mattered what they thought considering none of them at that school thought to begin a conversation with me at any point in the year I had been there but I welcomed the change all the same.

At my old school, the boys would make fun of me and spread rumors about who I had or hadn't slept with. They weren't wrong in saying what they did but the part of the story they always seemed to forget was that they'd all forced themselves on me. I suppose with the fickle nature of human beings, their memories may come and go so I don't fault them much. It was certainly not something discussed regularly enough for it to come to their minds. Soon enough, I was hated by girls I'd never even heard of for allegedly stealing their boyfriends. It didn't matter how false the accusations proved to be, no one would believe me and I dared not tell the truth because I knew what it would have meant for me.

I was smarter now. Words didn't escape my lips as often as they once did—except when I got worked up. In those situations, my mouth had a tendency to work faster than my brain. Outside of those rare cases that could stir emotion inside me, I learned to accept things with quiet submission; that was always best.

"Kai hurry or you'll end up walking to school!" Mom shouted.

I sighed, heading down the stairs. It struck me as more than a little odd that she'd feign any form of concern but I did what I was bid and hurried along. Mother was the one person I would never dare keep waiting. From a very young age I learned I had to act as soon as she spoke, even if I didn't know what I was reacting to. She was the type of woman that would throw things without a moment's notice; she didn't care what and she didn't care who it might hit—unless of course it was her darling son who she couldn't stand the thought of even hugging too tightly. Half the time I wondered why me; why I hadn't been good enough for her, but it was a question I would never gain an answer for. That was simply the way it was.

At school, there were clear instructions for all January transfers to report to the auditorium. I trailed dutifully behind the small group heading there, already feeling like the outsider listening in to their excited voices already speculating about the grand time they would have here. It must have been nice being able to anticipate a bright future like that; must have been even nicer already making friends on the first day. The most I hoped for was an uneventful year where I could fade into the walls unnoticed. That would have been nice. For once, I wanted to be the girl that didn't draw attention to herself whether on her own or through the harsh words of others.

Inside , I took a seat at the back of the brightly lit room and tried my hardest to listen to the various presentations they had planned to get us up to speed with the school happenings. Unfortunately, the things discussed held very little interest to me, leaving me to get up and leave. What did I care about pep rallies, school dances, student body elections and sporting events? It was a certainty that I wouldn't be a part of any it. I found that hardly anything was able to grab my attention anymore. I went through life finding pleasure in very little of anything, except monotony. Lots of teenagers found pleasure in drinking and sex but beer tasted bitter and nothing could put me off faster than the topic of sex.