Queen of the Underworld

77

ONE WEEK LATER - BACK IN SICILY

The light was supposed to shine on me again.

I truly, truly believed that.

As if there was some magical star that decides to brighten your ass up whenever shit got tough.

As if.

I remember thinking that as I saw Mariana dead on the floor of my house in Los Angeles. I remember crying and sobbing that phrase in the days that followed it. My whole life was dependent on that damn light.

Where is it now?

It took me time to truly realize that there is no light. Not at the end of the tunnel or in the dark. There is no path to follow when you're surrounded by pure and utter darkness.

You can't find a light in people you love because they're too damn busy finding their own to shine on them and make them sparkle or some shit.

Why a light? I mean, what's the point of a light? Why do we want a light?

I guess it's because it helps you see. Yeah, that's it, when there's light you can see better, figuratively and literally.

Forget my question, it was completely stupid.

Light helps you see, which is why look for it. We want to be able to know what to do, to see our path.

I wanted the light to shine on me again because I felt lost and scared. Hell, I still do. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. I don't realize I hurt people until they're hurt. I don't realize I hurt myself until the people around me are hurting because I'm hurt.

I stopped searching for that light. I was never going to find it. If I spent my life searching for it, I'd die in the darkness.

I'm not saying there is no way out. I couldn't even if I wanted to. Despite my tough exterior, I tend to be hopeful of things and believe things that make me feel secure.

Beliefs are simply coping mechanisms after all.

Think about it, we believe what makes us feel better about ourselves and where we are going. We believe in God because we want a path to follow. We want to believe there is a reason to be here. We believe in a light because we want to ease our worries and truly believe that there is a way out of our misery and sorrow.

Beliefs, whether they are true or not, just help us deal with life.

So, I'm not saying there is no way out, because if you're living the same way your whole life then you're actually dead. There is no other explanation.

Life is full of ups and downs, as corny, cringy and vomit-inducing as it sounds. In life you laugh, cry, suffer and prosper. Big or small, you do.

So, at one point whatever you're going through will end. Whether happines or pain, it will end. It has to end, because you need to keep living. You need to keep moving forward. So, there might not be a light at the end of the tunnel, but there is an end to that tunnel.

The light? I don't believe it's at the end of the tunnel or within us or anybody else. There might be one when we are happy, because when we are happy the world always seems brighter. But we need to get to the end of the tunnel to see it. We don't get to see it before. We don't get sneak peeks of the next stage of our life.

I, Anastasia Bianchi Rios, believe we won't see a light, but we will get used to the darkness.

Of course, seeing in the dark will take getting used to and it won't be perfect. We will trip and bump into things and get hurt, but the fact that we can see is reassuring.