Queen of the Underworld

24

The feeling of losing control is soul crushing.

It makes people cripple in fear at the thought of never regaining it. The thought of not being able to stop yourself is terrifying. The feeling of numbness is worrying. You feel like a puppet in your own body. Like your brain suddenly has a mind of it's own.

No pun intended.

Losing control is feeling your body move, but not knowing what is happening. It's hearing the words coming out of your mouth but not being able to stop them. 

It steers people to the brink of insanity, and taunts them to take the life altering step.  

But what is insanity?

The definition is: mental illness of such a severe that a person cannot distinguish fantasy from reality, or is subject to uncontrollable behavior.

But let's forget the mental illness part, because that comes in when you have no chance of regaining that control. That comes in when you are so far gone, society decides to give a shit about you.

Let's focus on that uncontrollable behavior. Let's focus on how good that would feel. Doing the things you've never thought you'd do. Saying words you've never dared to say. Feeling insane without being diagnosed.

Because when you reach that insanity, nothing will ever feel better.

Insanity makes you feel a beautiful sense of bliss. One in which, you suddenly don't want to regain that control you once had. One in which, nothing else matters. Just that bliss.

When you lose control you are free. You feel all the worries you once had dissipate. They vanish into thin air, and suddenly you are fifty pounds lighter.

You lose all the weight caused by the stress of worrying about your actions, the feeling of guilt, and the thought about consequences. 

Stepping into that insanity is not caring. It's shutting down your conscience and letting the rest of your mind take control. Because with insanity you no longer have to live the anxiety of being a good leader for yourself. You become a passenger who just enjoys the ride. You throw the rules of society out the window and never worry again.

Losing control is the worst and best thing to happen to a person. To happen to me.

Why?

Because as I sat on top of Trevor Jackson, major asshole in the school, and felt his blood running through my fists, I knew I had lost control.

And it felt great. 

3 Hours Ago...

It's been two weeks since the fight I had with Lorenzo about being a fatal women or whatever the fuck. 

He agreed to let me be one. He also made it clear he wasn't okay with it. I've had extensive and exhausting training on how to be the perfect femme fatale. I was told how to walk, how to stand, how to talk, how to smile. I was told what to say, what not to say and how to say it. I had women come and give me modeling lessons every day since the fight. I would practice for hours on end without a break. I would try on a million different dresses just so they can see what style fits me best. What style gives me more sex appeal. They took my measurements and would come back with dresses that fit me exactly. I've had two weeks of torture, just so I could become the best seductress around.

Lorenzo said I could work as one, as long as I played by his rules. The second he didn't like something, I didn't do it. And the second I disobeyed, I was banned from participating in any mafia activity until he felt it right. He's the boss after all, no one would put their ass on the line for me.