Queen of the Underworld

49

I locked the bathroom door and stepped inside the shower.

He won't scream any less for coming right away. Plus, I'm in desperate need of hot water.

I let the water wash away all the shit that's gone down recently, temporarily allowing myself to live in a place where none of it exists. Where I'm just some ordinary person who is meaningless in the world and can walk down the block with no guards at all.

My cut was burning, stepping into the shower with a wide open wound was definitely not the way to go.

I grabbed the shampoo and began rubbing my scalp. Maybe if I massage it enough, I won't get the headache later? Yeah, wishful thinking.

If you try hard enough, you'll forget about the pounding that just started in your door.

'All Along the Watchtower' was playing in the back of my head. Memories of Michael playing in my head. Some good, and some that I've buried forever.

Michael was a great dad, but sometimes he was more of a drill sergeant. He made me laugh and feel loved even when my own parents couldn't, but he also took "discipline" to new extremes.

Of course, I deserved whatever I got. I wasn't the easiest child or the smartest, but I still keep those memories in the deepest corners of my mind, locked behind a concrete door, bolted with infinite locks.

Whatever. Those aren't the memories that matter.

I kept humming the chorus of the song while I relaxed under the scorching water. When I remembered what I had coming downstairs, I begrudgingly turned off the water and got out of the shower.

I put on a pair of sweatpants and Ash's hoodie. I combed down my hair and brushed my teeth. I opened the drawer on the sink and took out a gauze, something that covers this thing up in the meantime. I would call up the doc later and ask him to stitch me back up.

No one was pounding on my door anymore, but I didn't feel any sort of comfort from that fact.

It felt like that calm before the storm. The last few seconds of peace before I'm swept off my feet and slammed onto the ground.

Lorenzo would scream at me, most likely ground me, and possibly kill me.

I would have to face Nicolas and see his stupid face. A few hours ago, the simple thought of his name made me burst out sobbing. All the sadness, however, has long been replaced by anger and the undying urge to strangle him to death.

Funny how for Ash, you cried for weeks. You became a hermit and stopped caring about anything or anyone. You lost sight of what's important and felt it to be the end of the world. You became a totally different person. Yet, now, you feel...empty.

I guess losing so many people in such a short span has made losing someone else almost...tolerable? Like a drug, I have gotten so much of that same dosage that it no longer affects me. It barely tickles me.

Either that, or my ability to bury my feelings and drown my thoughts has reached its peak. I'm a master, now.

Now, I know more people will leave me. I kind of expect it to happen, its the new norm for me. The question is when?

Well, for Nicolas it was yesterday. And yeah, it stings. Its stings a-fucking-lot. I believed him when he promised he wouldn't leave me and, of course, he did.

I don't blame him either, I don't think it was unjustified. I'm just burning with anger at the things he said to me.

Those are all things I say to myself. I say the over and over and over again. Every night and every morning, I make sure to remind myself that I don't deserve to live. I deserve all the torture I get. People die because of me. I deserve everything that comes my way.