If You Knew Me

You Surprised Me

You surprised me today.

The first time I saw you across the lobby,

Taking in your dark khakis,

Your blue striped button-down-

Rolled up at the sleeves like always-

Your shirt all nicely tucked in for a change,

Matching your dark leather shoes,

I wasn't expecting anything different.

I was expecting the same reaction from you that I got last night-

Nothing.

I was expecting you to walk past me a million different times,

Coming so close yet avoiding my eyes.

I had just picked up little Evie,

And was telling her how beautiful she looked,

Now that she is five and almost a woman,

Making her smile and laugh-

She was making me smile too.

I set her down, and saw you,

Out of the corner of my eye,

Walking towards me on the way to someone else.

I kept my eyes away from yours until you were right in front of me.

Then, you surprised me.

You stuck out your hand for a fist bump,

And smiled

At me.

You looked

At me.

Touched

My hand.

Then you turned and walked away.

Not a word.

Leaving me wondering what the heck is going on-

So I do exist.

If you're playing with me again,

I'll kill you.

I'll find the sharpest shard from my broken heart,

And thrust it into your chest like a dagger,

Hoping you feel a fraction of the hell I've gone through.

But if you're genuinely making an effort,

(You finally realized that I was right)

Then I'll be cautious,

But not rude.

Because everyone,

Even you,

Deserves a second chance.

I read somewhere once that you can't hate

The person you love because they broke your heart.

You just can't hate them-

You still love them.

That's how I feel about you.

Honestly, I should hate you.

You've put me through hell trying to figure you out,

Trying to decode your body, your voice, and your endlessly mixed signals.

Where will this go?

That's my question.

Because this morning,

As I laid in bed, thinking,

I decided that I was going to let you go.

You obviously didn't care,

So why should I waste my time, energy, and life

Caring about someone who couldn't care less?

Then I saw you at church,

And my resolve was strengthened.

We were done.

Then you came along and fist-bumped me,

Just like old times,

And now I don't know what to do.

I would love to avoid you,

But not if you're going to try.

Yes, I'm an idiot.

Yes, you're probably going to hurt me all over again.

Yes, this is really the dumbest idea in the world.

But yes, I still love you,

So I'm going to be open.

Yes, I'm going to try.