If You Knew Me

Every Time I've Fallen

Every time I’ve fallen,

Somehow I’ve found the strength

To pick myself up,

Brush off the dust,

And keep going.

Every time I’ve fallen,

I’ve learned from my mistakes.

And I learn and move on.

This time,

I don’t think I can get up.

This burden on my shoulders—

The burdens of disappointment,

Shame,

Anger,

And failure—

Weigh me down,

Pressing into my shoulder blades,

Causing my body and my muscles

To scream in pain.

This time I’ve fallen,

And I lay with my face in the dirt,

Tears streaming down my cheeks,

Because everything is rushing at me

All at once.

All the failure,

Brokenness,

Pain,

And suffering I’ve gone through

In the last 3 months

Suffocates and almost kills me.

You have no idea what it’s like—

To face disappointed parents,

The see the person you love ignore you,

To fail at every single simple thing,

To pick up a guitar and be too broken to play,

To wake up every day alone—

It’s impossible to be whole.

No,

It’s not always my fault.

I am human too,

And I make mistakes like everybody else.

I wish they could see that,

And have a little sympathy,

A little empathy.

But it’s not possible,

Because nobody cares.

And why should they?

Every time I’ve fallen,

It gets harder to pick myself up.

Harder to find a purpose to keep going,

Harder to find the courage not to give in,

Harder to find something to live for.

Harder because every time I see his face,

I’m cruelly reminded of what I can’t have.

Harder because every time I face my parents,

They ask me why I haven’t just figured it out.

Harder because every time I face myself,

I just want to cut out all the ugly.

But I can’t—

Because that’d be all of me.