The Pack and Sidemen Oneshots

Lachlan/Wooflan/Mitchlan- To Take A Life Part 3

Mitch's P.O.V.

The second we received the news that Rob was gone too I completely broke down, knowing that it was all too much. I had already been in a deep depression after the death of my brother, barely able to eat or drag myself out of bed for 6 months, and after my own suicide attempt I promised myself and Jake that I would stay. But now that was all over.

We travelled back to Canada for his funeral, his grave side by side with Lachlan's. Even in death we couldn't bear to separate them. Lachlan's headstone was already overrun with plant life, vines and tiny yellow flowers, dandelions and daisies and I knew it wouldn't long before Rob's looked the same- abandoned and ruined. We didn't change it though, leaving the plants to grow. There was no one left to care for the graves anymore, once Jake and I left.

Most of the same people who came to Lachlan's funeral came to Rob's, and it was heart-breaking seeing the same group of people in suits or black dresses, standing in silence around a casket for the second time. The Pack members were completely distraught, having lost two members in less than 6 months. It was painful to watch, but it was even more painful to live through it.

I felt like I was suffocating, drowning in the waters of depression and anxiety. Jake was completely numb, he didn't- couldn't- cry, he spent most of the time sitting in a corner of a room with his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking, unable to speak. I cried, a lot, in complete denial that this was happening all over again.

I didn't want to believe it. First it was Lachlan, then it was Rob. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a little voice told me that maybe I would be next. I tried to ignore it.

Jake and I went back to Australia after the funeral, and I barely moved from my bed for weeks, only getting up to go to the bathroom. Otto often wandered into the room and tugged on my hand or lay on me to try and get me up, and Jake tried to convince me to get up as well, do something, anything, but I couldn't.

"Mitch?" A soft voice entered my thoughts and I glanced up to see Jake standing in my doorway, Otto pattering around his feet. "Hey babe."

"Hey." I mumbled, resting my head back on my arms.

"I've got some food downstairs if you want it..." His voice trailed off. I shook my head.

"Not hungry."

He sighed, coming and sitting down on the bed beside him. His hand ran over my back, gently massaging on occasion, but I squirmed and pulled away from him, not wanting his touch.

"Mitch... I know you're feeling bad but you can't... you can't starve yourself again. It's not healthy."

"I know." I mumbled, closing my eyes. "But I just... I can't. I'll be sick." Another sigh.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

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As I'm sure my brother must have realised, and possibly his reason for taking his life in Canada, Australia had strict gun laws. We and no one we knew owned a gun and considering it was the easy way out it was possibly the only reason I was still alive, despite my previous attempt. Hanging or overdose was drawn out and painful.

Jake almost never left me alone anymore- he knew that I was considering taking my life again. He made sure that either he or someone from my family was there with me, or Otto was resting in his bed in my room and I appreciated it. It stopped me from considering it for too long, it distracted me.

But it didn't distract me enough.

Jake was out at the supermarket one morning and Otto was asleep on my bed when I started feeling really sick, like the anxiety that made you so nauseous that you were almost sick, and I was shaking too. The room was spinning and the feelings were so sudden- my brain was telling me to die. It was all too much.

Something in the back of my head was whispering to me to take up my razor again, slit my wrists, kill myself. There was a razor in the bathroom, I could do it. I could take my life, just as Lachlan and Rob had done because it was all getting too much. Could I do it? Could I leave behind Jake and Otto? The logical part of my brain was saying no, but grief threw all logic right out the window.

Jake got back before I could harm myself and the second he saw the look on my face he ran to me, checking me over for anything I might have done. I hadn't done anything, in too much of a state to even leave the bed and feeling so ill I couldn't even move, but it didn't stop him from worrying. I barely heard his worried words, his pleading with me to look at him, to respond.

"Mitch!? Mitch!" Jake shouted, practically shaking me. I blinked, my mind catching up with the situation. I glanced up at him, the nausea fading. "Oh thank god, I thought you'd done something. Mitch... god..."

He just hugged me tight, his heart pounding so much that I could hear it. He was so panicked and scared that even Otto could sense it, he had clambered onto my lap and was whining. I rested against him, too weak to hold myself up.

"Please Mitch..." He breathed, making sure I was paying attention. "I'm here. You're here. Please remember that."

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I did remember it. I remembered it as I held the rope in my hands, I remembered it as I put Otto in his crate in the next room, I remembered it as I wrote my suicide notes, on for Jake and one for my remaining family. I was still here, alive, breathing, living, but I didn't know for how much longer. I couldn't take it anymore.

We were only a few days away from the first anniversary of Lachlan's death and I had no idea how I had made it that far, given I had spent most of that time mourning, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. I don't think I ever got past the denial phase of grief, tied in with a heaping helping of depression and shock, as well as some anger. How could Lachlan do this to me? He had caused Rob's death... but the anger didn't last long. I understood how he felt, and now I was about to do the same thing.

I couldn't cope with it, not anymore. I still could barely believe that my brother and Rob were gone, I half expected to hear Lachlan yelling in the next room or poking his head around the door asking if I wanted pizza. It never happened.

Hooking the noose to the ceiling fan with shaking fingers I stood on a chair, taking one glance out the window. Jake was out and Otto was locked up in the next room. Neither of them needed to witness it. I felt pain knowing that it would be my boyfriend to find my body, but I had blocked out my memory of finding Lachlan's and I was sure he would do the same. It wouldn't take long for him to forget me.

I slipped the rope around my neck.

Remember.

I kicked the chair out from underneath me.

Remember.

My body fell with a snap.

Remember.

When I next opened my eyes, Rob and Lachlan were waiting for me.