Breakeven

Chapter 87

Dannys POV

6 Months Later

I twirled my eternity ring round my finger, deep in thought but with an empty mind. I could hear the kids bickering in the living room but I didn't have the energy to go and stop them.

Tears filled my eyes as I thought back to that night in Dublin, all those months ago. How could I go from being so happy, so blissfully happy, to having my whole life devasted in just a couple of hours. That was the night that Kay left me. And now I have to raise four kids on my own. I loved her with every ounce of my being, and I can't stop thinking about her, about how our lives would be right now if she was still here with me.

I wiped the tears from my cheeks, realising quickly that the arguments from the other room weren't going to stop on their own. I took a deep breath before walking through to the living room.

"What's all the fighting about?" I asked, trying to sound like I had authority but failing miserably as I choked on my words and a single tear fell from my eye.

Jessica turned and saw the desperation in my face. She threw her arms around me and her head cuddled into my stomach. "Don't cry Dad, it's going to be alright" she tried to reassure me, but surely it should be me reassuring them. And how exactly is it going to be alright, months have passed, and I still can move on, my life just feels so empty without Kay to share it with.

"I know" I said with a sigh as I stroked her hair.

"Come on, you all need to get changed if you want to go and see Mum today" I said, struggling to hold it together.

"Can we take her some flowers?" Alleyshia asked "I think she'd like them for her birthday"

I forced a smile, "Yeah baby, if you think Mummy would like flowers for her birthday then we can stop and get some on the way"

I took the kids upstairs to get changed, I hunted through Keira's wardrobe for something nice for her to wear but most of the clothes were starting to get too small for her or just weren't right for today. I pulled out a red dress that I know Kay would love her in "Does this fit you?" I asked her, she just looked at me blankly. "Let's try it on you, shall we?" I asked her as I pulled the dress over her head and then leaned back to see how it looked. It just wasn't right, the dress was fine but it didn't look quite right. I started brushing through her hair, Kay always left Keira's hair down so I felt confident with doing that. "Where are your clips?" I asked her, as if she would know, as I wondered how Kay always seemed so organised when it came to getting the kids ready. I was searching through her drawers when the door to the room opened and Jessica came in, she was wearing a gorgeous black knee length dress and a denim jacket.

"Dad, she needs tights on" she said as she went over to the chest of drawers and found a pair of tights for Keira and started putting them on her.

"Where are her hair clips?" I asked, feeling a little ashamed of how much of the mothering role Jessica had taken on since Kay left.

She finished putting Keira's tights on and walked over to where I was and lifted a small hair clip, smiling before she turned and put it into Keira's hair.

"Thank you Jess" I said, wondering how I would ever have managed these past months without her.

"You won't be thanking me in a minute" she laughed. "Alleyshia has decided she doesn't want me to do her hair because I can't do it as quickly as Mum, so she wants you to do it."

Dread filled me at the thought of it. Alleyshia's hair was always so perfect when Kay was here, and I can just about manage a ponytail. "OK" I mumbled heading to Alleyshia's room.

I started brushing through her hair, wondering what I could do that would make her happy. "Ok honey, shall we just do a ponytail today?" I asked hopefully.

"I want 2 braids in Dad, but Jessica takes too long." She moaned.

"Honey, I'll take much longer than Jessica to do them" I said in the hope that she would change her mind because I really didn't know where to start "And you want to go and get flowers before you see Mum so I think a ponytail would be best for today"

"OK" she sighed, clearly not amused.

I scraped up the hair and put in a hair tie as best I could. "Let me see" I said turning her around to face me. "Beautiful" I told her.

"Thanks Dad" she said as she flung her arms around me.

I wandered through to Adams room. He was sat on his bed looking down in the dumps. "What's up bud?" I said as I sat next to him. He was staring down at his hands, I could tell by his breathing that he wanted to answer but he was composing himself first.

"I just miss Mum being around" he said to me after a painful few minutes.

"I do too" I said as I threw my arm around his shoulder and pulled him into my chest "but you know son, just because she's not here with us anymore, doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, because she does, she loves you so, so much". Adam nodded against my chest clearly not feeling able to speak. "Come on, lets go and see her, shall we?" I said, trying to put on a brave face for the kids but deep down I was dreading today.