Breakeven

Chapter 42

           

Danny appeared on the screen as Adam pressed play.  I watched as he looked into the camera silently for a few moments and forced a smile before he began talking.

"Hey son, I really don't know where to start in explaining what has happened.  I need you to know that I am so sorry that it's come to this and I need you to know that I never meant to cause you harm.  But now I guess you're not really just a little boy that doesn't need to know everything and before I go away, I want you to hear this from me.

I was stupid, and I did a really stupid thing.  When I found out we couldn't tour with the new album, I felt like I had lost everything I'd worked my whole life for.  I realise now that I hadn't lost what was really important to me, I just thought I had.

I stopped talking things through with your Mum like I always used to, and like you should do, and I started to hang out with Leroy too much.  Well, any time with Leroy is too much, I need you to promise your Mum that you will tell her straight away if you ever see Leroy again."

Danny paused for a breath and I watched as the tears that had been welling in his eyes slowly started to trickle down his face.

"I can't tell you why I did it, because honestly son, I don't even know.  That's one of the reasons I have to go away, so that I can understand this and make sure it doesn't happen again. But I started taking drugs, and at first I thought I could control it, and at first they did make me feel a bit better, but after a while I needed them just to feel normal and I knew that I was addicted to them.  I thought Leroy was helping me, but actually he was only helping himself.

There is no excuse for me bringing Leroy to the house, but I need you to know that I would never have let him come if I'd have thought for one second that he would give his dirty drugs to you.  I will never forgive myself for what happened to you but I can only hope that one day we can work past this and I can be the Dad that you deserve.

So, I'm going to go away for a while, and it's not because I don't want to see you when you wake up properly, it's because I have to make sure that I can be a good Dad to you and your sisters and I need to make sure that I get myself properly better so that nothing like this can ever happen again."

Danny paused again to wipe the tears from his face. And after taking a deep breath he said.

"Just know that I love you, more than I could ever explain.  And I want you to get better and get things back to normal, no secrets from Mum ok?"

I felt Adam nod as Danny asked this and felt a relief wash over me.

"So don't be sad that I'm not around every day, know that I'll always be thinking about you and your sisters and I will always love you all."

He started to blow kisses into the camera as he said 'love you all' which made me smile.

"I've got to go now son, but you get better real soon." He said before the recording ended.

Adam smiled, half heartedly as he handed me back my phone. 

"Did that make sense to you?" I asked Adam, not fully knowing what had happened while I was away.

Adam nodded, but it wasn't convincing.

"Tell me what you're thinking honey, maybe I can help" I offered, feeling concerned at Adams lack of a reaction to the video but I really wasn't prepared for his answer.

"If Dad really loved me then he'd be here"

A tear trickled down my face, I quickly wiped it away knowing that I had to be strong.

"Baby, your Dad has to get better.  I know that this has been a lot for you to take in today, and in a lot of ways you're too young to fully understand everything but please trust me when I say that this is the best way.  This is the only way that your Dad can get better and I can know that you're safe.  He was here by your bedside when you woke up last night, and he wanted to stay to see you today so much, but he really had to go.  If I thought he didn't love you, or he wasn't doing the right thing by you then I wouldn't have let him film that message for you.  He loves you more than anything in this world."  I looked at Adam, waiting for a response.

"Will I ever see him again?" he asked.

"Of course you will." I reassured as I held him close to me. "As soon as he's allowed visitors, I'll ask Uncle Mark to take you to see him, how does that sound?"

"I hope it's soon" Adam said thoughtfully.