Breakeven

Chapter 44

I looked at Danny and smiled. It was as if I was meeting him for the first time. He looked well, dressed in black jeans and a plain white t shirt, his hair wasn't styled and fell naturally in a messy look, but it looked so good. His face was framed by his glasses which seemed to draw attention to his green eyes, his left eye slightly lazy, like he was tired and yet he looked so full of life.

There was an awkward moment as I wondered if I should hug him, or kiss him, and I realised in that instant that I had no idea how to behave around him.

"Don't look so nervous" he said with a smile as he held my shoulders for a brief moment as he passed and entered the room I had been waiting in.

His hands on me felt warm and instantly gave me butterflies in my stomach. I turned to go back into the room and saw that Danny was already sitting in a chair, gesturing for me to take the one next to him.

I sat down and felt so nervous, what do I say? Luckily Danny took control of the conversation immediately.

"So, I've reached the part in my journey that means I have to take responsibility for my actions and own the fact that my addiction didn't only affect me but it deeply affected others around me. I was told to make a list of anybody that I thought deserved an apology for the way I had behaved. Despite your name being at the top of that list, you have been the one person I was most scared of facing." He sounded so in control, and I suddenly realised just how much thought he had put into what he was saying.

"But I was told that in order to move on, and I mean fully move on, I had to face my fears. So, Kay, I need to say sorry, although that doesn't come nearly close enough to making amends for what I have put you through, but it's a start. I'm sorry for not trusting you enough to confide in you when my life got tough, I'm sorry for allowing drugs to fill the void that was left in my life when I had pushed you away, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you, for the worries you had, and for all the sleepless nights when you were either worried about where I was or you were helping me to try to get over this without ever facing what I had done. I'm sorry that I let you down, that I couldn't be the husband you deserved, but most of all, I'm sorry for putting our son in danger through not owning up to my own failings while you were away. I'm sorry that you were ever left to chose between me and our children and I want you to know that you made the right choice. I don't deserve you Kay, truth is I probably never did."

I was deeply moved by his words, they were delivered so sincerely and clearly with so much thought behind them. I appreciated the apology in a way that I didn't think I would. "It's ok" I whispered, unable to say anything else.

"It's not ok, and that's not why I had to apologise, it's not about pretending that anything I did was ok, or somehow doesn't matter anymore, it all matters. And although I'm moving past it I know that I need to accept that some relationships will never be the same again, and that's down to me, and only me."

"Danny, I don't know what I'm supposed to say" I admitted.

"You don't have to say anything." he replied "Thanks for hearing me out."

"So, is that it?" I asked, feeling a level of confusion. "Do I just go now?"

"That's up to you Kay" he replied calmly "But I'd like it I you stayed and we could maybe spend a bit of time together"

I smiled at the thought of spending some time with Danny. "I'd like that" I said.

"Well, lets get out of this room, it feels so formal I here" he said as he stood up. "Come on, we'll go for a walk in the gardens, it's beautiful out there."