Breakeven

Chapter 32

"I'll be fine Kay" he said as reassuringly as he could but between his shaking and sweating and his pale complexion it was impossible to believe. I knew from experience that he would get worse before he got better if he doesn't use again and despite his protests of wanting to be here for Adam, he really wasn't much use to anyone right now.

"You were here when he needed us, but seriously, you aren't going to last much longer. Please go home." I could see how much Danny was struggling in withdrawal and I was exhausted, I don't know if I wanted him to go for him or for me, all I knew for sure is that I didn't want him here.

"Come with me?" his eyes were pleading with me, but I couldn't, I couldn't just leave Adam alone in a hospital.

"I can't, Adam needs me" I replied coldly.

"Then I'll stay too" he replied.

"Danny, what are you trying to prove here?" I snapped at him.

He looked at the floor as he answered me. "I just want to make this right"

I had avoided this for too long, I had ignored everything I was feeling, focussing solely on Adam. I knew I couldn't bury my head in the sand any longer. "If you want to make it right then just go Danny, I don't want you here. I don't want to have to watch you looking like that as a constant reminder to me of why my son is here. Just go, go and get your fix of whatever will make you right, go and live the life you clearly want to live, and stop dragging me down with you."

"I don't want to use, but I need you to help me get better again." He said as his head lifted and I saw a single tear trickle down his face.

I crouched in front of Danny, my hands resting on his legs. I saw a glimmer of hope in his eyes, hope that we would do this together. I shook my head. "I can't do it again Danny"

"We can" he pleaded as his hand reached shakily for my face and he cupped my cheek, stroking his thumb along my cheekbone. "We've done it before, we can do it again."

"What's the point though Danny, I can watch you like a prison guard and make sure that you don't use while I'm around but then the minute my back's turned you'll just do it again."

"I won't Kay, I promise I won't" he begged.

I let out a sigh, almost a laugh "I remember when those words meant everything to me, but they really are just words aren't they Danny?" I stood up from him and turned away, looking out of the window and wishing he would just leave.

I felt his hands on my shoulders. "Tell me how to prove to you that I mean it this time?" he asked.

"Sign over your parental responsibility to me, and then get out." I replied never shifting my gaze from the window.

"What about us?" He asked defeated.

I turned from the window and looked at Danny. "I can't even think about us right now Danny. I will always love you, and I will always wish we could've made it work." My eyes fell to the floor, I couldn't look at him. "I just feel like right now I have to choose between you and the kids, like suddenly I can't have it all, and love isn't enough."

"Kay, don't do this" Danny begged as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to his chest. I didn't want to do it, I breathed in his scent as I stood in his arms before suddenly realising that drawing this out would only make matters worse.

I pushed out of his arms and looked him straight in the eyes. "I don't have a choice Danny, please just go."

He nodded, ever so slightly, acknowledging that he had heard what I had said even though it wasn't what he had wanted to hear. His hands cupped my face as he leaned in and kissed me gently on my lips. "I will prove to you that we can make it Kay, I'll never give up on us" he said with more sincerity that I have heard from him in a long time. And then he turned and left.

As the door closed behind him I broke down in tears, knowing my life would never be the same again and feeling like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I sat beside Adam's bed and held his hand, trying to focus on him to block out the thoughts whirring around my head.

"It's going to be ok son" I said as I raised his hand to my face and kissed it. "We're going to be just fine." I knew that this reassurance wasn't meant for Adam, I needed to tell myself that it would be fine, but right now it felt anything but fine.