What if

Chapter 9

Two weeks passed I went out with Ethan 4 times just this week

He's a really nice guy he treats me so good, and he really likes me

Everything is perfect between us, at least on his point of view, I really care about him and their is nothing wrong with him, I'm just an idiot for feeling this and things are going on way too fast

"What are you thinking about" Ethan asked as he held my hands and he planted a kiss on them

I gave him a fainted smile
"Are you hungry?" I asked to change the subject

"Yes, Pizza?" He suggested
"Ok" I agreed he ordered pizza and we watched a movie at his place while we ate our food

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and he pushed me closer to him

I feel like I'm leading him on when in fact
It's not my intention to do so, but he's a good guy and I don't want to upset him and he likes me

he grabbed me closer to him and he kissed me, it was just a kiss no spark nothing, he gave me a smile and tried to smile back, I hope I succeeded

I feel like I've lost myself I haven't been me in a very long time, and I'm tired of being something that I'm not.

I feel like I've lost myself in the process of trying to please and make someone else happy, I haven't been me in a very long time, and I'm tired of being something that I'm not.

It's like I'm trying so hard to make this work it seems like I'm forcing it

What scares me the most that if I show him the real me he wouldn't like me no more, Dylan's words has affected me more than I thought they would

He said no one could stand me, and maybe he's right

He played with my head and what hurts the most is that I let him

I was always that girl that no one could walk over, but lately I've become so weak and fragileit's scaring me,

What I don't get out of it all is why me? He kept coming around until he got what he wanted. And he disappeared last time I saw him was about two weeks ago at the party

I feel used, I feel disgusted from my own skin, he used me for his own pleasure and I let him, and just like any other person he tossed me once he was done,

I knew I hated him before, but now I hate him even more, I thought his actions won't affect me and sex will mean nothing but it did. How can I feel the heated chemistry and hatred toward the same person I don't even know if that's possible but that's what it is. It's a mixture of weird feelings.

Why am I even thinking about him when I got sweet Ethan right by side, literally his arms are around my body right now while we're watching a movie that I lost interest in long time ago

I don't deserve his sweetness

I never had a boyfriend before I don't even know if I can call him that, it's been only two weeks but things are moving so fast

I looked at him he was so focused on the tv,

I moved closer to him and I rested my head on his shoulders and I closed my eyes and I drifted to sleep

I woke up the next day and it seems that I slept in his couch

I went straight to the bathroom to freshen up, after freshening up I went to check on him he was sleeping on his bed

I wanted to go back home to shower so I left him a note and I drove back home

After taking a shower I changed my cloths and I went to the kitchen to grab me some food I was too lazy to cook so I just ate cereal and milk