Angel Valhalla

thirty-nine

Note~

It's been a while-i know. im sorry for the slow updates, my life is a shit show, im 22 and let me tell you, i dont got anything figured out. i hope i get it together eventually:( my mental state is a little better, but i had been dealing w an eating disorder, as well as a drug use/ and abusive relationship. but slowly im getting better w it, just by surrounding myself w good people, and trying not to depend on other people for my happiness as well as trying to move my life forward, finishing school, and setting goals. i met a boy, hes the absolute best treats me so nice it's weird that i settled for less before w my previous exboyfriend. i went through a whole depressed stage after i had to let him go, and now its so weird to me that at one point he made me so sad, and now he doesn't mean anything to me. anyways, long story short, I'm trying my best to work on myself and being happy, which is why it's been so long. Thank you so much for waiting, for reading and for your time. You guys are the shit, thank you.

~~

All night i tossed and turned. My life was a shit show. Reality was hard. The grown up world, the realization that this was my life. This is what I had turned it into. Every decision I made let up to this, and overall; I wasn't happy. That's the realization that hurt the most. Was anyone happy with their lives, and the way they turned out? I was twenty one and unsatisfied with my life. Then again was there ever a moment I was actually happy with my life? I closed my eyes and let my subconscious wash over me as I drowned in the cool, snug bed sheets. I tried to bring forth any happy memories I had, and felt morbid that I was never actually happy. All the happy moments in my life were a blitz. A flash. Never constant. And then I thought, was that life? Is that what we lived for? Those .5 seconds of happiness. The ones you can't blink because you'll miss? Here today, gone the next.  Those nights of just being reckless, and spending the night in Nate's bedroom sleeping and cuddling after a wild night out only to get back to the grimey grey world the next day. The  basics, the norms. Was I to follow my moms path, and marry a rich man that would eventually leave me for a younger woman and my days would be spent at the spa maxing out his credit cards after the divorce only to go home and have lonely wine nights? Or was I supposed to break out of that path, get a normal 9-5 job, live for the weekends until I met someone decent and then had a normal suburban life that I would hate, or be decently satisfied with give or take? And then there was the thought of him. That man I had met. He'd meant a lot to me. I don't know why. His whole existence was a wonder. He was surreal. I had been in love before, I had. Had my fair share of breakups. And although I loved Nate, I don't think it was the type of love that I craved for. Because in the end, all I ever wanted was to feel needed and wanted, and cherished and for someone to acknowledge my existent and to count on me to  make their day. To be happy to have me in their lives and see me more than just someone to have sex with and party or a daughter to spoil or fight over. Cameron was different. When he looked at me, he really looked at me. He saw through me. Like he knew what was going on inside my mind. And he understood. He could see past the facade. I had wanted to be with him, because being with him made me actually happy. Not in the way Nate did. Because Nate made me happy, no doubt about that. But Cameron's form of happy was a constant happy. And that's what I craved the most. To feel that. It was strange to me how someone that had impacted my life so much as far as getting me mixed in dangerous affairs was no where to be seen in my life. Like he didn't exist. Like I made him up. He was too important, too surreal, and too addictive to be gone. Absent from my life. And now here I laid. Next to a man whom I couldn't let my guard with. A man whom confused me, looked at me as if I was some alien from another planet. No comfort, no warmth, no intimacy. Like he was a prop in my life and I was one in his. As if everyday I was to wake up and fit the mold of a character I was meant to be, and vice versa. And all those nights of studying late at night for what? For all of this? I didn't make one single good friend in school. No one after that impacted or shaped my life and I was naked and bare again. Ready for this new role in my life. Yesterday was just the beginning. Tomorrow it would commence.