Angel Valhalla

Seventeen

~~~

I liked the color black. It was bold, strong, and silent. It had always been my favorite color. But now that I wore it, I wasn't so sure if I was too fond of it.
I held on to the red rose in my hands with a steel grip, digging my fingers into the thorns to keep me awake. If I concentrated on the pain, I wouldn't have to concentrate on the other pain. The pain that dwelled in my heart as the coffin was lowered.

Behind me, Molly cried silently into her palms. Most of the school showed up including some teachers. They stood quietly looking down at their feet as the minister said a couple of words that were supposed to make us feel better, but I paid little to no attention to them. A heavy hand rubbed my back up and down trying to comfort me. I looked up at Mr. Goldwater who had the same dead look in his eyes as me. The look I had been sporting the past few days. I watched as silent tears rolled down his eyes. He didn't bother to wipe them away and instead chose to let them roll down as he stared on forward at the coffin.

"He loved you, you were his best friend." He whispered a throaty whisper.

"Just as much as he loved. I know your relationship with him was rocky, but he did truly love you. He told me he adored you.
If anything his mother is the one he resents." I replied.

"I told him she died but he always knew the truth. Wherever she is, I hope she stays. I don't want her anywhere near me, and I don't want her to know about Nate."

I didn't ask any questions after that. I didn't wish to bring up personal affairs and feelings.

Instead, I focused on the coffin that was six feet under the ground. I walked up to it and threw the rose in. With no more thorns to dig my fingers into, no more physical pain to concentrate on, the turmoil inside of me raged on.
The priest finished saying whatever bullshit he was spewing out from his mouth, and then asked for Nate's father to say some words.

Mr. Goldstein talked about Nate's birth, his bad vices but overall how much he loved him and what a kind hearted kid he was. And it was
True. Nate knew how to love. He loved so much...and it killed him.

"And now, a fellow classmate and friend of Nate will say some words." The priest said after Nate's father finished. I walked up to the front besides the priest. I felt all eyes go to me, and I hated it. I hated looking so weak, but at that moment that's how I felt. Weak. I couldn't keep myself from unraveling into the mess I actually was. I tried to keep my head straight and my eyes from watering but it hurt so damn much. And I still hated myself for letting this happen.

I cleared my throat and raised my head looking straight in front of me at the sea of black.

All eyes were on me including a pair of blue ones. He stood all the way in the back. Separate from the rest of the mourners. A body guard on each side and a rose in his hands. I couldn't help the hate that erupted in me. I couldn't bare to see his face because it only reminded me of how this was all my fault.

"Nate was the nicest, sweetest guy I've ever met. Unlike the rest of you fake assholes." I quickly said and then walked away crying avoiding the priest and Mr. Goldstein who tried to stop me. I heard murmurs from the attendants as I passed them about how rude I was. But it was true. Nate didn't pretend to be your friend only to back stab you two seconds later like the rest of my classmates did. He didn't judge and he never made fun of you. If anything he was the sweetest, kindest boy. Last year he'd taken Nick, a freshman who constantly got bullied for being gay, to prom.