Acquaintances

Chapter 62: Insanity

March 11th, 2015.

Dear Harry.

This isn’t a letter begging you to be with me. I’m done trying to make you forgive me, and I don’t know if I even want you to anymore- let’s just say you’ve confirmed all my reservations about being with you in the first place so thanks for setting me free... But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. I miss my best friend. I wish I could go back to the start of last year and just stop myself. Stop myself from realizing I was in love with you, and acting on it, and believing you, and stop myself from sleeping with Niall and falling for Louis and everything really, I wish I could just take it all back. People always say ‘even if I could go back, I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t change what we had’ etc. and I think I used to say that about our ‘situation’ but dammit not anymore, I would give anything to talk to you as my best friend again. I would give anything to have spent my 22nd and 23rd birthdays with you, but I didn’t because we weren’t speaking both years and that fucking sucks. I miss you so much. I miss being able to do nothing with you and still have fun,  I miss complaining to you about stupid things, I miss hearing you tell me about your day and wanting to know everything about this ridiculously insane life you lead and I want to listen and wonder how someone could stay so humble and sane despite everything that happens to you. I’ve been so caught up in wanting to be with you that I forgot what it was like to just be around you and enjoy your company. You were my best friend for four years and I am really struggling to let go of our friendship more than anything. I really fucking miss you and I’m so sick of missing you because this is what we do. I’ve spent more time missing you in the past year than I have actually spent with you and that makes this goodbye sting so much more because I know that nothing can salvage this now, we could never go back to being just friends again and I honestly wish we could because I can’t handle knowing you at arms-length, I don’t just want to be an acquaintance, I want to be in your life 100% even if it is just as your friend and the fact that that can’t happen is really depressing. Anyway, just writing this letter because I miss you and you probably won’t even read it and it didn’t help me feel better at all so I guess it was a waste of time.

Lots of Love,
Char. Xx

March 16th, 2015.

“Charlotte Jones.” I reach across the small mahogany coffee table and extend my hand towards the middle-aged man. His office wreaks of polished wood and ancient books, most likely those that line the bookshelf to my right. His greying hair and tweed coat were too much of a stereotype for me to handle as I watched him get comfortable back in his chair.

This couch feels ridiculously large when you’re perched in the middle, cross-legged and nervous. I will not be lying down. I refuse.

“Nice to meet you Charlotte. What brings you here?”

“Oh I’m not here by choice.”

“Is it court-mandated?”

“Maybe if one of my friends’ names was Court.” I snort at my own joke, he eyes me over his half-mooned glasses, clearly unamused. “Sorry.” I clear my throat, suddenly embarrassed by my failed pun. “My friends forced me…suggested I see someone.”

“Do you want to be here, Charlotte?”

“No.” I don’t make eye contact with him. I feel too scrutinized already.

“Do you think you can benefit from being here, Charlotte?”

No need to say my name at the end of every question bud.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want to try, Charlotte?”

“I suppose.”