Burning Sky // Alec Lightwood ➰

Falling.

Trying to pretend like none of this have happened I exit my room and head to the central hall of the institute. I look around for any trace of Adam or clary or even Simon but all I can see is shadowhunters running around. I take out my phone with the intention to call Adam and find out what happened about Simon but suddenly Isabelle steps in front of me with a confused look.

"Sky?  Where were you? Jace said you two came along to see Alec but you never came in. He was waiting for you." She says and I close my eyes tightly just wishing for everything to stop. For a hole to swallow me making me disappear. He was waiting for me. Nice job sky. Fuck up every constant in your life. It's not like you need to be sane.

"Umm...yeah I...I couldn't." I try and Isabelle lift her eyes to mine with concern. She attempts to take a hold of my hand but I take a step back causing her to flinch for only a moment before she decomposes herself.

"Is everything okay? What do you mean you couldn't?" She asks me with sympathy lacing her voice but it seems like I don't need to explain myself, the look on her face tells me that she understands.

When I don't answer Isabelle lets out a small laugh and leads me to a more quiet corner. "You care about him. You actually have many let feelings for him too. But that seems to scare you." She comments gently and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. Everybody seemed to know that I had feeling for Alec even before I did. Maybe next time before I decide something for myself I should take their advise first.

"I'm not just scared. I'm terrified. You don't understand, I have never felt this way before. When I heard in how much pain he was I...it was horrible." I explain to the brunette while she looks at me with care. "Your brother, he has this effect on me and I, I can't control my feelings around him, I can't control my body. " I cry to which she lets out a laugh causing me to grow red. "Didn't mean it like that."I mumble under my breath and she nods.

"You are in love sky. Happens to all of us. You shouldn't let that scare you however. Alec feels the same way." She soothes me and I shake my head. "He told me about the kiss." She concludes leaving me speechless only for a quick moment before I recomposed myself.

"And let me guess, you are going to lecture me about it just like everyone else?" I ask, voice filled with frustration and she doesn't miss a bit before answering.

"Why are you walking away from him?" She asks me with mixed emotions in her dark brown eyes and I shake my head.

"I'll take that as a yes." I comment rolling my eyes yes before proceeding to explain myself, even though that's all I've been doing recently. "Because I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to make it work." Because I screw everything up. I only say the last part to myself as I watched Isabelle's expression grow a bit more gentle.

"Well, neither does he. But he is willing to try. You are the only girl that makes him feel that way." She points out and my heart clenches in my chest. I desperately want to shout at her that I know, I do. I know Alec is willing to do this. And that's what makes everything ten times worse. That he wants to fight for this. But I'm not nearly half as brace and determined as Alec is. I'm just afraid and a coward.

"Believe it or not I am doing this for him too."I decide to tell her and I watch as she eye me in disbelief but continue to voice my thoughts. "He deserves to be happy, I can't offer him that. I am messed up." Isabelle's eyes harden and she speaks up with a more confident and strong voice.

"You make him happy. I haven't seen Alec so alive in like forever. So don't you dare use him as an excuse you are doing this for yourself." Frustration and anger start to build up within me and I snap at the brown haired beauty.

"So what if I am? What is wrong with that? Don't I deserve to feel okay for just once?" Her expression softens only a little bit as she hears me and she continues calmer now.

"But you are in love with him. He makes you happy. How are you planning on being happy if you don't let yourself live it?" She asks and I feel like I am a five year old and she is desperately trying to make me understand something so simple that everyone knows.

"Happy is too much to ask for right now." I say looking in front of me at the many shadowhunters looking through the vsrious screens and computers and talking among themselves anxiously. "I just need to be okay. I can't risk all of this with Alec. Growing up, I never had control over my life, I always felt like everything was completely falling apart and all I could do was watch. And now, I have some say in what happens, finally after all these years, I decide for myself. I can't lose that. It's the only thing I have left. And Alec causes the exact opposite of control. If I create something with him control will be the last thing I have. He has this effect on me, if he wanted he could completely shatter me. I can't risk it." I finish and I hear Isabelle take in sharp breath and a small silence falls between us before she speaks up again.

"That's what falling for somebody is. Giving up control." She simply says and I turn to look at her this time as I speak.

"All I've been doing for the past four years is falling. Nobody tells you that when you stop falling you crash. Nobody is there for you then. And I've crashed down way too many times, enough for a life time. And I still haven't recovered from it. Because falling isn't always romantic Isabelle, sometimes it's just feeling every ounce of life kicked out of yourself. And I can't go through that pain again. I just need time. I need to stable myself. I need just for once solid ground. I'm not telling you that I will be able to get over everything. I just need some time to heal. And it's gonna take time and a lot of effort. And I'll never be completely okay. There will still be days when I won't be able to get out of bed. To eat, to socialize to exist. I will want everything to stop. And I can't ask Alec to go through all that with me. He deserves to be happy more than anyone I know. No matter how much you or him believe it and no matter how much I want it, I can't offer it to him." I notice Isabelle's eyes are filled with tears and I fight mine back too.

As I turn around to leave I see him standing there. Not only ten feet away Alec is standing with his hands crossed on his chest and his green eyes piercing in mine, and I just know he heard everything. Not knowing how to react I do the only thing I'm able to do recently. I run away.