Burning Sky // Alec Lightwood ➰

But with him, it's like I feel everything.

I keep thinking of it. The kiss. How it felt. I've never kissed anyone before. I didn't really have the time to concentrate on my love life.

I keep remembering the feeling of Alec's lips on top of mine, the way they moved, how his tongue slipped into my mouth. I can still feel a burning on my lips, a tingling sensation where his mouth was only minutes before. I keep imagining his hands firmly on my back, holding me like he was afraid I would suddenly start running. My hands tangled between his hair, desperately trying to make any remaining distance between us disappear.

I have never wanted something so bad in my life like I want to go back and relieve this moment with Alec again and again. Until I can no longer feel my lips. Until there is no oxygen left in my lungs. Until my whole body becomes numb and melts into his hold.

But I know I can't. I know how stupid it may sound, I do. I know that to everyone else it wouldn't make sense.

But it feels wrong. Kissing him. Falling in love with him. Not wrong in "I don't belong with him" way. Because it was the first time after all these years that I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt like I was made in order to kiss Alec. In order to be in his arms. Like that was my only purpose on this earth.

When I was younger May used to sneak out of the house during weekends. Our parents didn't allow her to stay out until late so she just came back and left again from our window. There was a trellis right next to our window. It was decorated with flowers and plants and went all the way down. She used it as a ladder to go down and climb back up every time she sneaked out. She would come back from her night out and would tap at the window two times indicating me to open it and help her in.

I was waiting patiently for her to come back every single time, not only because I had to open the window, she could just leave it open from the beginning, but because when she came back she used to talk to me about everything. She played music with her phone, every time a new song she had discovered, and talked to me about her adventures while she was taking off her make up. She would lay next to me and whisper about boys and parties and crazy things she did there. She told me about flirting and dancing and looking at the stars while smoking with her friends and I listened to her fascinated wishing to grow faster and be able to go with her.

But I never had the chance to. Because only some months later all of this stopped. She stopped sneaking out and coming back and living adventures. Simply she stopped living at all. At first there were days that I still waited for her to come back. Like all of this was just a game she invented and she would come back through the window and tell me all about what she did while she was gone. I thought I heard the double tap on the glass many times during sleepless nights. I would sit up and run to the window and check but she was never there. I did that for months until the realization that she won't come back hit me and I stopped. I never opened that window again.

The point is that the moment I shared with Alec made me feel like for the first time I wasn't someone observing or hearing another story. I felt like for once I was the fearless girl who sneaked out and lived all these crazy adventures and was wild and reckless.

So the reason I say it's wrong is because I also feel like I shouldn't be falling in love right now. It's definitely the worst time. I feel guilty for the way he makes me feel. Like my life hasn't ended. Like I am worth something. But my life did end the December night that her life ended too. It did. And I should feel devastated.
   
I can't be the one who falls in love and grows old and kisses hot boys when she won't. When she rots six feet under ground. I can't be the one who lives. It's unfair. She was always the one who knew how to do this. Who was good at actually living. Who knew her place in the world.

So it feels wrong doing this with Alec.

Not only because of her.

My mother is missing. She could be dead right now. Adam is fighting so hard for her, I can't dream of dates and kisses. I can't.

But maybe I am just afraid.

Afraid of the way that he makes me feel. Because I don't know how to make this work. I feel lost. I've been sad for so long that when I don't feel sad is like I'm feeling nothing at all. Because Alec makes me doubt everything, he makes me feel like I don't have control over my body or mind. And if he wants he can shatter me.

I am afraid that I will get hurt. I don't like the kind of power he has on me.  Because I can't go through more pain. I can't. It's a huge risk, I'm not willing to take. It may hurts like hell but I know that after, it will hurt way worse.

God, I am so angry of the fact that he causes all these good memories with my family and May to resurface. He causes me feelings I thought I would never feel again. And it's better just to not feel anything. Because if you don't, no one can hurt you.

That was how it should be.

I shouldn't feel anything.

But with him, it's like I feel everything.