Condemning Conspiracy

E: Ramble T: Mixed Feelings

  When I write to y'all I normally want to explain everything. Well, this time I don't. Right now I'm in the mood to type and express. I'll try to keep everything that's on my mind to the bare minimum.

  Today is Solo and Ensemble Competition day. My ensemble got a three. I'm not so much as upset about that. What I am upset about it how often I get left in the background watching people. I can't fix what has happened between me and well. I said I wouldn't say her name anymore. But now it's even worse for me and Skyler. Now. All the sudden she's somewhat talking to me.

  The one event that continuesly racks my mind is that on the eigth of June my 'closest' friends are going to Animecon. Without me. I shouldn't be fussing but... Well. In an Aries perspective there's a warning about the people around me. I move fast I think fast and I make decisions fast based on what will help me. This year I've focused on writing and I've accomplished that. However, because of my chase and my passion for writing I have lost my close relationship with my friends. The ones I care about the most

  I've earned a lot of friends in the process. It is true that when you put yourself around the people who want to talk to you then you tend to enjoy life more. But. It also works the other way around. The people who want to talk to you the most are the people who don't talk to you. The only time I could spend time with my friends was at lunch time. Because I would scavenger off of my friends I'd have to stay and I also didn't have a car so I didn't have a choice.

  Once I got a car I began to take myself to the places that I could eat food. Half the time I would go to the library to type up my work. My main focus was future. I'd ask myself "What next" rather than "What now"?

  My fingers twitch every chance. My grip it releases with too much pressure. My heart aches every time I hear my friends talk about how much closer they are all the while they remind me of how far I've become.

  Skyler cheered me on in the background when I won the Journalism department award she exclaimed congrats. It lit up my heart but also lit it ablaze because she hardly ever talks to me. This week I'm planning on spending time with Jake. He's also a close friend.

  I've been trying to hang out with Van but if I don't have a plan he doesn't want to take a chance with hanging out on a wim. I have to keep him interested. Luey is leaving for Tech soon. I won't be able to spend time with him. I know I can plan one last hang out.

  Due to the family problems I've been pushed through this year I've come down to this. I'm sick. My heart is sick. I'm tired every waking moment and I want to sleep at random times. Right now I'm taking a chance. If I don't finish this in time then I'll be lying awake here in moments. The family problems... They test me and I try to act strong but in the end how strong am I alone?

  I've already lost someone dear to me that I'm having to forget about. My oldest memories with her surfice themself and I find myself not talking. Ask any of my friend or family members. If I'm not talking then there's something wrong with me.

  My gaze has lowered, my smile fades, and I look away to avoid any questions. I sleep at a certain time. I get less sleep and my stress level climbs. Luckily, it's not afraid of hieghts but sometimes I wish it were so it would find a way to stop and think. Maybe I need to breathe?

  The copping mechanism in the family is working. Right now for instance even though the center of muscles in my hands hurts I continue to type because I have nothing else. I can't cry. Crying annoys me. I hardly ever cry in front of my true friends. I try not to anyway. Especially Xavier. I hate letting them know that I cry but they know I'm human.

  Take Summer for example. I've neglected her. I've neglected so many people in this process. I want to relax but I don't even have a job anymore. I need a part time but I want to enjoy writing which also hurts me!

  What helps relieve stress causes it. My world around me reminds me that the life ahead isn't an easy road. It'll only get better--and worse. There's so much I want to do but I want to accomplish these actions with someone by my side. I need someone who can stand next to me. Who can run but slow me down to a walk or even teach me how to pace.

  Matrina tells me about how she can't wait to hand with Skyler and Luey, Van, and Jake... It hurts! Berax asks me what's wrong and I can't answer it with honesty because I don't want to admit that I'm weak. I don't want to tell him that I'm hurting even though he already knows. As a true best friend he wants to be there but I can't find the courage to tell him.

  I even stayed with Matrina one night and I lost insterest half way through it. She was upset but she knew that I was going through a tough time. My father has one chance of surviving. Through my sister. And if she can't do it he'll be on a waiting list. Even then. Even if she does do it then her immune system shuts down. I'm not saying that she's not healthy. I'm saying that I don't want her in danger as is. Our family isn't the greatest when it comes to health issues. I mean. Look at me.

  It takes all of my power to take the buns off of burger. I like vegtable but I hate them dry. My choices are A Thousand Island or Italian. Those are the most common anyway. I force myself to eat because if I don't then I get crancky but it doesn't matter anymore at a time like this because I'm lossing myself to stress regardless.

  Five hundred and nineteen dollars. That's how much it is to pay for a mouth gaurd for me. I've clench and grinded down my teeth to the point where they're almost flat. If I'm not careful on how I fall asleep I scratch at night. I wear a bandage over my elbows at night so I don't scratch the inside. Half the time it doesn't work. It's even on my legs.

  My heart aches randomly reminding me that I'm alone. That I have to be around Bennet for the rest of my life, or as long as Xavier goes out with her. I don't want to fix the relationship with Bennett. Even if she fixes relationships with me she won't do anything for Jean's sake and that's what makes me mad. Jean and Bennett are best friends yet Jean's father loves Bennett more. Jean's life revolves around Bennett. The fact that Bennett HAS TO be Jean's 'center of attention' makes me sixk.

  Jean should stand up for herself. I get that. However, then who's going to be there? I will if anything but Jean's only parent doesn't even appreciate her. That's how asain parents are. Jean's social awkward so it takes time for her to make friends. The few friends that she 'has' are Bennetts. I think I'm the only acception because I HATE Bennett.

  The Dallas trip we went to in order to go the Scarbouro fair and Comic Con? I worked at Comic Con to sooth my pain and at the fair? I spent time with adults! Not saying that I'm not one but I always end up hanging out with Xavier's mother and step dad. Always.

  The car was even worse. I've never argued with Xavier that badly until then. We were both frustrated and we both took it out on Bennett. I got to stand over Bennett and make her shut up which was the greatest feeling in my life because I felt like I had authority over someone which is sickening but if it's someone like her? I can declare accomplishment.

  I've practicly abandoned my Tumblr my dragon blog has stood alone with pictures on the walls. It's as if it's a gallery rather than an updating process. I want to accomplish everything that I have set but the newest goal that I've come to terms with is that I want to be around my friends. That was my new years resolution for two years and I haven't met it. I've made more friends and made them more important but I haven't taken the long route to my old friends. The ones I truely do care about.

  I don't want to ask to go to Animecon. Skyler admitted to one of my friends that she 'loved' him. Goodness. There's no hope for her going that direction. I want her to be with someone who won't hurt her. Like me. Lol. Yea no that rules me out in a heartbeat. The one heartbeat to break her heart.

  Normally, I don't ramble but I need to sleep now. I'll go back and read this maybe but I feel somewhat better. I'm in Austin at the moment. I want to live here. But I feel like if I do I'd be escaping my life. Wait. What life.

  Good night, for now. -Dj.