Condemning Conspiracy

E: Creating A Figure T: Thoughtful

Tati talked to me today at lunch. Shewondering if I thought she was attractive. I told her that there are three percentages of girls on my scale of would I go out with them or not by looks. There’s 10% that fall under “She’s hot” and 10% under “She’s not” the other 80% are people that I don’t care about. Appearance wise anyway.

  I told her that looks isn’t everything to me. It’s a matter of who can put up with me and who can I put up with? Also, are they willing to work with me? Would I fight for them? Do they have boundaries that I’m willing to say that I can’t be with them or do they have boundaries that I can understand and work with?

  I’m’ a guy who needs. I can go on dates with many girls and not go on another date with them because I lost interest or we made it official that this isn’t what we want. The harder part about relationships for me is the shear fact that I’m blunt.

  A person’s body is theirs regardless of whether the person is a girl or a guy. I have a bubble. I’m self conscious about it. It’d be nice to have a girl who can feel comfortable in my bubble but unless it’s only for pleasure I can’t seem to get myself to touch a girl.

  Either way, holding hands and hugging is such a baby step to me. I don’t mean to rush relationships but I put too much effort into my first. My mind can’t reset and start over. I already received what I wanted once. It’s difficult to recreate that for myself. To want to begin again. When it comes to relationships anyway.

  Come to think of it I do that with my writing too. I have a history book of journals and books online. I never will delete them. A thought came to mind just now. I can put them all on a flashdrive that way when I finish editing them all… *Pause for a moment of breather* then I can send a copy to what ever magazine I’m wanting.

  Tati said that she finds it amusing that I’m attract to girls that are not like me in any which way. She described me as expressive and exciting. Someone who has a lot of energy and is very talkative. I continue to tell her about Lily and the hope I have for her to go to Prom with me. She’s still wavering if she wants to go or not.

  She laughed and asked me what Lily was like. “So, when I meet this Lily person is she going to be like boring and quiet?” I explained to her that Lily is reserved and doesn’t speak unless she really means to speak. Tati wondered why I didn’t like exciting girls that were talkative as well.

  Simple. They’re too similar. None and I mean none of my friends are as talkative as I am, or as expressive and energetic. I assume that I like girls who are the opposite because I wish I could be reserved. I wish I could shut up sometimes. Other times I wish that I could be that way. If I don’t speak to anyone then no one will speak to me.

  In my case. There are only slim chances that this happens. I can start a conversation with anyway. It may not hold for very long but I can start the conversation and that’s all that matters. I’m an attention getter, an interjection in the world or randomly selected words.

  Tati asked me if I liked her. I feel bad. It’s not that I don’t. She is magnificent. As a friend, a partner in trying to fix something or put something together, but I know for a fact that she cannot handle me. She’s also a Scorpio. Which I think is really amazing. But. I’m trying to steer away from being with someone because they remind me of Lily. Almost any small detail can remind me of Lily because my mind makes it work.

  I like the blunt question however. I didn’t tell her yes or no. I explained my outlook and I’m sure she understood. If she didn’t I’d feel bad. However, she’s in the 80% that doesn’t bother me whether she’s attractive or not. She’s not ugly. As I mentioned before. I doubt she’d be able to handle me.

  Going out with someone new is always a situation that I’m willing to take risk in. However, with every girl it’s a different gamble. She told me not to go looking for love. I don’t. In pure honesty I don’t. It’s because I’ve done that already. I’ve failed already. I let people hit on me and well. It doesn’t work out. I try. There are so many interesting girls out there. I can’t seem to find myself in a picture with all of them though.

  I better finish my resume. She thinks I should have a girl who’s classy. One that doesn’t talk a lot but is still another world of her own. That’d be nice if I could define that quickly. I hope nothing happened between the date she has to prom. She came out so comfortably to me I didn’t think twice about what she said until a few minutes after she said it.