Love In A Battlefield

Chapter 22

    

         Graduation day. 

         Freshman year, all I ever wanted was three things: A boyfriend, to find love, and to graduate. 

         Sophomore year, I wanted more. More like craved more. I could never tell if it was cancer that made me hate my second year more than my first but finding love and a boyfriend were hopes but graduating became more of a must-have. 

        Junior year, I actually started to look more human. My skin started to color, my hair was coming through but a hat was a need in my book, and I had started to smile a lot more. Junior year was much more tolerable. 

        Senior year, everything became a reality. I couldn't escape my greatest fear that was once my greatest want. I finally saw high school for the first time in four years. 

       But now, today, I'm going to have to stare at my fear in the face and walk on a stage to receive the start of my life. The life I never knew I'd have, dying was plan B if I failed high school but...that wouldn't have really ended well I suppose. 

       "Quinn!" My mom yells over the sound of brewing coffee and a singing microwave. 

      I sigh in the mirror and fix the blue gown. My white strap-on heels giving me enough height to make sure I don't pathetically fall on my face, the cap perfectly fitting on my head, and my too-skinny arms being hidden by the length and bagginess of the gown. Checking for wrinkles one last time, I nod in the mirror and smile as a trick of boosting my low self-esteem and self-confidence. 

       It isn't working. 

      I click out of my room and walk to where my mom is reading the daily news. Her outfit consisting of a white, flowy blouse and a jean jacket. Her jeans the color of the night while her shows are a bright white wedge. Her unbound hair falls in curls and for once my mother doesn't look tired with the help of heavy-duty concealer and thick layers of mascara coating her face...She smiles up at me and walks towards me, grabbing my hands she kisses my cheek. 

        "You did it, baby girl, you did it." I smile nervously and look down at my covered toes "I knew you'd do it, thank you lord I had one smart kid that didn't need to bribed to do homework." I give off a soft laugh and she hugs me tight. 

        The tears in her eyes are obvious "Aw mom, don't cry," She laughs and walks back to her steaming cup of coffee. 

       "Crying?" She waves me away "I don't cry, Quinn, what time will Matt be here?" 

       I had forgotten that Matt was riding with us. He didn't particularly care for riding with two fighting parents that have nothing to say to him, his mother, Joan, the worst of the two. Nothing is ever good enough for her. I suppose that was what drove his father to cheat with his secretary. 

       I check my watch "We have to leave here by nine, I imagine he'll be here around 8:45. I remember him telling me that he had to get Shawna to their grandmothers." Shawna is Matt's sister, she is only seven. Shawna usually tends to spend more time with their grandmother rather than their parents' thanks to Matt, he has usually been more of a guardian than his alcoholic mother and cheating father. 

        My mom nods and takes a sip of coffee "Don't forget that--" 

       "I won't," I interrupt. She eyes me and looks at the ring on my finger "Mom, it is just a promising ring. That is all it is, no need to stare at it like it's cursed" 

       "No, no I know," Does she? "But...it's a promising ring for marriage. Marriage, Quinn. That is a big commitment, that is a lot to take in as a newly graduated student. You have your whole life ahead of you." Do I?

        My knees begin to wobble "I still have cancer," She pours the rest of the coffee down the drain "That is why I took the promise ring because I knew that if I walked into a hospital in a rough state that I may not walk out. I made the promise because I may not have my whole life, I only live once. Chances are chances."  

       I can tell her breathing has become shallow "Your new meds are working, you aren't going to die." The word is heavy out in the open "We just have to stay optimistic, okay?" I nod and she kisses the top of my head. 

       "You can't forget that detail, mom, you can't overlook the deadliness of me when I have a good day. Not everyday is going to be good and sometimes I'll come close. I have come close. I didn't have a childhood. Or a teenagehood. Let me make stupid and reckless mistakes that I never got a chance to make?" 

       The door rings and her eyes flicker to the tall body behind the glass "I won't," I nod and hurry to open the door. 

       Matt smiles widely and kisses the top of my head. He walks over to my mother and gives her a quick hug, at least I can congratulate her on being a good sport on my behalf. She eyes me and says something to Matt before scuttling off somewhere else. I can only roll my eyes and walk past him and into the kitchen. 

       The feeling of his eyes following me not hard to recognize. 

       I grab a clean coffee cup "Did you get Shawna squared away at your Nana's?" I don't meet his eyes as he walks swiftly towards me. 

       "Yes, she wasn't pleased to find out that there was no candy in the candy bowl for her." I laugh gently. I remember being her age and constantly searching the drawers and cabinets for loose candy. 

        Anything for an intentional sugar high. 

       He grabs the cup from my hands "What was that about? Your mom was edgy, you are edgy." I shake my head and walk past him and into the empty room. The boxes piling higher and higher each passing day. 

       "I have no idea what you are talking about," He follows me quickly and grabs my hand. Matt twists me around and the tears have already begun to sting my eyes slightly. It takes all of me not to ruin my makeup. 

       The look in his eyes tells me that I am not convincing him well "BS. Tell me, I know you better than anyone and that look that you are trying hard to mask would get past some. I'm not some." 

       "We just-" I begin "We were just talking about me." 

       "What about you?" 

      I look away "You know what," I say at a near whisper volume. He holds my hand tighter and I can his jaw clench slightly. 

       This was a conversation that no one but me thought about. The conversation of which flowers I wanted or what singer I wanted to perform when it came time to bury me six feet into the earth. I guess it doesn't make any sense to think about it when you aren't the one constantly a toe in the grave, but it doesn't matter. It makes sense to me. 

       "I thought you agreed not to bring that up, today is supposed to be a happy day." 

      "I know, it isn't particularly easy to avoid. You of all people should realize that any free space in my head is filled with that, it isn't bad. It really isn't. Sometimes it can bring a person peace." 

       Matt roars out a laugh "Peace? How can a conversation about death bring you peace?" 

      "Because then I am left knowing that when I die that everything will be taken care of." I say "There won't be any miscommunication, everything will be prepared and everything will go smoothly. Haven't you or my mother thought about that? How stressful it is to me knowing that I could die out of the blue and you two or my brothers or Lynn don't know?" I drop his hands "Talking about it gives me peace. Let me have my peace." 

      He only clenches his jaw and nods swiftly. I look at the clock over his shoulder "Come on, we have to leave," I grab my purse and open the door "Mom! It's time to leave." 

      She hurries out of nowhere and unlocks the car. Matt grabs my waist and pulls me into a kiss, I hug him and he whispers in my ear "Let's go, graduate," 

      "Let's," 

      This is the start of however long I have on this earth.