Love In A Battlefield

Chapter 18

      I don't remember the night before or the events that took place, well, not well anyway. The world was a blur while I neglected the signs showing that the reaction I had was more than a high possibility.

As my eyes open a crack, the light is barely shining but my eyes sting with unimaginable pain...the blinds are immediately shut while a body shadows over me before a heavy weight sits next to me on the bed. The familiar touch of a hand stroking the pillow case underneath me...stroking away the fabric from my mask that is still clinging to my face.

A smile is too much to ask.

"Good morning," a gently voice says. The dark room shadowed enough that my eyes can open more than a crack. "How'd you sleep?" I don't know. I don't remember. I motion to take off the itchy mask but Matt's hand stops me "No no no no, you need the oxygen right now." Fantastic.

A groan of assurance is also too much to ask.

Matt doesn't speak again while my body quivers with chills. The only reaction he has is to pile more heavy blankets atop my freezing body, my bony hand reaches out to his in confirmation that this isn't a dream. That I'm not dead.

He takes my cold hand into his warmth, Matt doesn't even flinch back at the nearly frozen hand in his. That is one thing that I love so dearly about him-it doesn't faze him that I'm so sick. I want to drift back asleep. I want to take a deep exhale and let my head fall slack against the pillow while my eyes rest.

But I can't. The fear accelerates my body while Matt let's go of my hand and rises from his spot on the bed next to me, I can feel my breathing become heavy. He won't leave.

The bedding of the bed lifts up while he gently slides in next to me. I can breathe normally again. Between Matt and the ten blankets piled atop me...I finally get warm within minutes. I lift my hand from my covers and intertwine our fingers. His tired eyes show that he's been up all night.

My eyes drift back down but I spring them back open. Matt kisses the top of my forehead "I'm not going anywhere, love," Oh how I wish he knew that it wasn't that weighing down my conscience. "You can sleep."

Can I?

I give in. I close my eyes and let sleep devour me once again. I let the darkness cloud over me while I think happy thoughts. I think of my future.
- -

I remember waking up this time. The light didn't bother my eyes as much as they did before but that may have been due to me waking up at sunset. Matt wasn't next to me when I woke up but when I bubbled up the strength to raise myself from the bed, his stuff was still on my dresser.

The worry didn't set in like I thought it would. I wanted to move in a bad way, the oxygen was still attached to me but to make it easier on me...I attached the tube that going in my nose rather than the one that covers my nose and mouth.

I plant my feet on the ground to steady myself while I pull my body off of the bed. It hurts but not as bad as it hand before, the oxygen cart rolling behind me. As I shuffle to the cracked open door, I can hear my family and Matt having dinner at the island counter.

As the door squeaks in my arrival everyone's head turns to me. Matt gets up from his seat-the chair scraping across the tile-and gives me a hand to the counter. I will happily take his helping hand. My mom slides a chair and I slip myself into it.

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

"How are you feeling?," There it is.

My throat burns in protest to my act of talking but I ignore the cracking sensation echoing through the back of my mouth "Better than I was yesterday if that is what you mean," My mom gently gives a laugh of relief at my sarcasm.

"I think you know what I mean," Her voice became stiff. I knew what she meant. I wish I didn't "How are you feeling?" She asks again.

I look at the floor underneath me "I don't know what you want me to say...I can't really give a description on this feeling." Matt slides his arm around my waist.

Mom pushes further "What feeling?,"

A very soft laugh leaves me but I can't explain what it is I'm feeling. Can't give a proper description. I'm better...I feel better but with cancer you can feel better but feel worse. You can't explain what you feel to someone who so desperately want to understand, wants to help.

"Vulnerable...I suppose. There really isn't any other way for me to say it. It's kinda one of those things that you have to feel yourself to understand completely." My mother can only nod.

I look around. My life suddenly so clear, my understanding on how I'm supposed to look at things so much different than when I wasn't feeling like complete crap but feeling a rush at the same time. The smell of food isn't a compelling need at the moment so instead I wheel my cart and shuffle my feel to the couch.

"Are you not hungry?," My mother calls from the counter. I shake my head while a pair of footsteps sounds behind me. Matt.

I sit myself on the couch and like blankets on top of me while I can feel the shivers piling in. My feet covered first and then my legs. A separate blanket covers my torso up. Matt lays his hands on my legs while tapping my knee-I'm guessing this is a nervous habit I haven't seen until this moment.

I told his hand, his eyes tired and pale. Coffee isn't setting into his system like it should. "Have you gotten any sleep?" I say quietly. I know the answer by the bow of his head "Matt..." I start.

He cuts me off with a squeeze of my hand "You-You are much more important to me than the mere idea of sleep," he says proudly "If you are ever sick like this than I can promise you that I'll never sleep a minute." A smile etched itself onto my chapped lips.

"You don't have to do that, my mom is looking out for me too." Matt nods wearily. "But I'm guessing you prefer doing it yourself?"

"I feel better knowing that I can check on you myself and watch you heal myself. It sounds weird I know-" I grab his face and lean in.

"It's not weird," My lips gently meet his and I can almost feel his worry and fear drift away into oblivion. I pull apart "I love you." I say quietly. Tears choking me up.

His smile is like a breath of fresh air "I love you too,"

That night...I learned something. I learned that life is full of more than surprises and curveballs, it's full of passion and kindness that other people don't see as well as others might. That night I saw that I may not make it but I may also live...but it isn't my choice, well, not knowingly anyway.

I know one thing for certain.

When I'm here, in this space...

I'm home.