Heaven Knows

21.5: Anna

Heaven Knows OST:

♫ Trying not to love you by Nickleback♫

♫ See you again by Carrie Underwood♫

Chapter 21.5: Anna

Dear Diary,

I’ve been in a fit of satirical motion in terms of events involving my life. I got to experience wonderful things all at once only to wake up and they’re gone in one hand flick. In fact it was faster than a breath and a heartbeat.

I couldn’t catch up.

What I don’t understand though is why I have to forget while I watch the ones I love suffer because of me. It’s unfair that I can’t even do anything but stare while they break.

I’ve waited for him.

I sat on the front porch wishing he wasn’t mad at me. No. He should stay mad at me. He should leave for Julliard and forget about me. That despite everything I’ve said to him, he would still care. That after everything I’ve said to him, he would realize that he has a better future without me. He’d still love me more than hate me. He should hate me and leave me.

My hands found their way to his face as they drew what the words in my head had been denying. What my heart had been debating. What I had been entitled to keep myself away of. My thoughts flew back to the boy on my sketch pad with the bluest of eyes—like the ocean, thundering with strong waves. My soul was kept adrift.

A shadow forced me out of my reverie. I looked up and nothing else mattered except my heart beating loudly in my ears and this boy, I love, standing in front of me.

I didn’t remember the boy but I’ve remembered the feelings.

“I thought you’re mad at me.” I closed my sketch pad as I paid attention to his face.

He placed his hands in his jeans’ pockets and he shrugged. “If I stay at home today, I’ll have 1440 minutes to think of you. 1440 minutes wasted because of stubbornness.”

I stood up so that we’re both eye level. His eyes followed my every move and it brought broken bottles on my skin.

“I’ve tried un-loving you.” he said as his blue eyes bore holes in me. My heart contrasted inside me. Suddenly the thought of him with someone else had made my head so dizzy.

“And…?”

He sighed heavily. “Worse two minutes of my life.”

I nodded as I suddenly felt interested on the soles of my shoes. He took a painful step towards me and my whole body froze at his closeness. It made me want to do stupid things like hugging him and kissing him. Worse: asking him to stay with me. That should not be my agenda. I bit my lower lip to prevent myself from travelling to catastrophe.

“I don’t want to go to Julliard, Anna.” He said and the intensity of his pleading voice sent unwilling, silent sobs inside my veins.

I took a deep breath before I let go of the words I know I would regret. “You should go.” I forced my eyes to look at him. My biggest mistake. I withered like an untimely rose in spring.

“There’s nothing for you here.” I whispered to the wind.

“I have you here.” he prompted as tears found their way in his beautiful eyes.

“But what comes after me, Dom?” I countered. “Maybe I’m not the girl you’re supposed to love. Maybe I’m just a big mistake you’re supposed to learn from. What if I’m just here to make your life miserable?” he reached for me but I stepped back. “Have you considered that?”

“Don’t talk like that, Anna.” He said when he finally caught one of my wrists and he pulled me closer to him. His pain had pinned needles at me. I forced my eyes to wander away—anywhere but meet his. But he kept on searching for me—reaching for me until he finds me. He cupped my face and he kissed my lips. Tears soaked my face. “Anna, I love you and you will always be the one for me no matter what the timeline. You were never a burden to me, you were never a mistake. If there’s something my love for you have taught me in this life that is to be brave. Be brave and love each and every day even when you’re about to lose. I love you that much. It’s not just any kind of love. It’s the kind you fight for.”

Stay. One magic word that could change our lives. A password to keep him. A key to be with him.

I wanted him for myself. I wanted him to stay with me until my last breath. But how could I deny him his future? I don’t want him to live a life alone and unhappy. I’d rather let him go.

He leaned his forehead to me. “You’re my future, Anna.”

I felt like dying inside as my whole self crumpled. I shook my head at him.

“Let me go, Dom.”

I saw the defeat in his eyes as the light went out of him. I took that opportunity to take his hands off of me. I turned my back to him because I don’t want to see him hurting because of me.

“Are you willing to let me go?” he said and I halted. I looked back at him from my shoulder. “Are you really that willing to let me go?”

He took fast and strong strides towards me. “I know somewhere in that head of yours, you remember me. You love me. I know you do. You just don’t want to find Me.” he narrowed his eyes at me as the pain he felt brought more aching tears for me to witness. “Because you are scared. You are always scared. You forgot I was here. I. AM. HERE. Please don’t close the door, Anna.”

“How will I love a boy whose name I don’t even remember?” I said. “Who I might soon forget again?”

“I will never get tired of knocking at your front door—even if it takes every day, I will introduce myself to you over and over again until you remember me, Anna.”

I gritted my teeth as I squeezed my eyes shut. I tried stopping the tears but they kept falling anyway. He held both of my arms; I looked away as his forehead meets my temple. I felt his tears streaking down my face.

“Tell me to stay, Anna.”

Stay. My heart told me. My breath begged. But my mind doesn’t want to oblige.

I took one last painful breath before I released myself from him. What doubled my pain was that he kept on forcing his way back to me. When I succeeded pushing him away, I turned to him wearing the coldest face that I could.

“Leave.” I said. “If you won’t I will.”

With that I went for the door without turning my back to look at the mess I’ve made of him.

My heart’s in pieces I could not put together. My knees buckled and I sunk to the floor. If I had been stronger I might have opened the door and took back the words I’d brainlessly said to him.

How long will I have to hurt him like this? For how long will I have to torture myself?

He had loved me in so many ways that my heart could not count. He doesn’t deserve me. But I love him without even knowing why I really do. It’s like my heart does and always will—even when my mind’s a series of blank pages.

He’s the past I can’t let go of. But he’s also the present I don’t want to forget.

Without Wax,

Anna