Heaven Knows

18.5: Anna

Heaven Knows OST: ♫ Red by Taylor Swift ♫

Chapter 18.5: Anna

Dear Diary,

Mama said it started three days ago. The forgetting…

I was supposed to meet this boy who has a name but I didn’t have recognition of. I fell on the floor as my head engulfed in flames. The seizure came in and everything just went black out.

A bird who hurt her wing,

Now forgotten how to fly.

My eyes opened to reach for the words that hanged in the sky like stars. I felt giddy as my head swam from its deep slumber. But then, although my head felt light as a feather its side effect made me feel at lost.

A song she used to sing,

But can’t remember why.

There were images flashing on my mind. Vague images that captured in the light. I reached for them but I could not get a hold of them.

The memories. They were so intangible to my touch. I’ve searched for my tears but they seem to hide away from me either. I was left in isolation.

A breath she caught and kept—

That left her in a sigh.

I saw… a pair of eyes. Deep blue eyes that touched my heart like a peaceful pool of ice. My head had a dozen flashes of them. But they have kept me at bay, wanting for more. It pained me to think I could not form his face. He felt so far away.

It hurts her so to love you,

But she won’t say goodbye.

(Golden Cage by Lang Leav)

Dominic. His name was Dominic. Your pages, dear diary, had revealed to me his identity. But his name was no more like a simple word to me. I couldn’t find him in the outgoing puzzle inside my head. I felt like running inside a maze not knowing the exit. I felt like being robbed of my own existence. My identity was carried away along with the memories in a place I could not go.

Who are you?

My mind wandered off to the flow of the wind. It went on and on without a certain destination. And yet those blue eyes remained like permanent ink to my head.

Mama said I was sick that’s why my memories remained limited. Every day I was a nuisance. I asked too many questions and I was given a few answers. I’d like to think that answers are too expensive to acquire in a day.

I just wanted to know where to find the owner of those startling blue eyes. They continued to haunt me every night. I wake up in the morning thinking about them. My heart knew the answers but my mind couldn’t locate them.

Who are you?

I asked my sketchpad as I drew on his beautiful eyes. He was a boy with no nose to breathe, no ears to listen, and no lips to smile and yet has the bluest of eyes to find me. It felt incomplete. I felt incomplete.

Some of the memories kept coming like beams of flash light. On and off they went in the surface of my complicated head. I saw one memory happened on our front porch. His vague physique stood right in front of me. His eyes smiled for me. I closed my eyes as I imagined what it would be like to finally meet him. Would his eyes melt me the way I longed for his existence?

And then I met a boy today.

He had the same blue eyes—but I ran away from him. My heart retreated like a coward. It was harder to trust when things were left limited for you. I cowered beside mama like a child.

He appeared to me by wrapping his arms around me. I recognized his touch like I’ve memorized the beat of my heart. But it was startling. I faced him and his eyes screamed at me for recognition—of things that was possible. It scared me to recognize someone I didn’t know—someone I could not remember. It was so ironic that it made me irritated.

My heart kept on flattering as my mind drifted off to him. It felt like I don’t remember the boy but I very well remembered the feeling of being by his side.

And as I lay my head to bed, I thought of his eyes again. I thought of the possibility of remembering something that was lost. I just needed a map to find my way in.

Without Wax,

Anna