THE REAL HER

Chapter 12

Ever since Jayson left my place that night I've been ina funky mood. He hasn't called me and I haven't seen him and it'sbeen two weeks. I wanted to call him but I was scared that hewouldn't answer my call. I was supposed to be enjoying myself, it wasspring break after all but I was conflicted more than anything. WhatJayson told me made me think, I could admit that I wasn't happy withGreg but I didn't need Alicia or Jayson butting into my business.

This was my life and yes maybe I was a little sheltered and a bit naive but I'm sure if Greg was doing wrong then it would come to light eventually. For the past two weeks all I could think about was Jayson so when someone unexpectedly rang the doorbell I thought it was him, hoped it was him but instead it was Greg. I completely forgot that he got back in town today. "Hi," I told him moving to the side. "You expecting someone else?" "Huh?" "You don't look happy at all to see me."
"I am, I'm just surprised that's all." "I'm glad your surprised because I wanted to surprise you and I have good news."
"What is it?" "I was hoping I could tell you over dinner. There's this restaurant that just opened up that I've wanted to go so get dressed." I wasn't in the mood to go out but I didn't put up a fight, maybe I did need to get out of the house and stop moping around. Greg followed me into my room and he immediately walked over to my easel where I was painting my current piece. "This is...morbid." "Is it," I played foolish. It was a human heart wrapped tightly in the thick vines of a thorny rose bush. I just started on it yesterday and hadn't touched it since. "Are you going to do something to your hair?" "What's wrong with my hair?" "Other than it looks like a mop," he commented with a frown, "It's just that it's all over the place. Have you combed it today?" Technically I couldn't comb my hair anyway but his mop comment pissed me off. I was already frustrated with everything in general and he wasn't making things better, "Yes I did. You do remember that I'm black right and my hair doesn't grow out of my head straight."
"Of course I know that baby but you know I love your hair straight."
Then maybe you should date someone else, I wanted to say but I held my tongue. "I know you do but you don't have to deal with the upkeep and worry about heat damage. I do." "I'm sorry," he got closer to me and kissed my cheek before wrapping his arms around me, "Were starting off bad already. I wanted us to have a good night and-I'm sorry. I love your hair, I love every inch of you."
He kissed me on my lips, then my cheek and ventured over to my neck. I let him because I wanted to feel something, anything but I didn't feel anything. I pushed him away softly. "I should get ready." "I agree." I walked over to my closet and pulled out something to wear and laid my outfit on my bed. I already took a shower this morning so I just freshened up and did something to my hair. I put it up neatly into bun and once I was done I washed my face and then brushed my teeth and focused on my makeup. By the time I came out of the bathroom the dress on my bed was replaced by something else Greg had picked out. I looked at him and he immediately explained himself, "I like this one better."
Instead of putting up a fight I quickly dressed and put on some heels so we could leave. The restaurant was a ways away and for the most part in the car with sat silently. He drove while I texted Alicia. "Who are you texting," he asked me. "Alicia," I told him, I would tell him she said hi but I would be lying if I did. Once we got to the restaurant we were seated and I was surprised at how nice the place was. Upscale, not one of the usual places that he would take me. We both looked over the menu and put in our drink orders and after we ordered the waiter walked away and it was just me and him. I could feel him watching me before he spoke, "Have you given any thought to New York?" I was dreading the moment when he brought that up, I knew he was hoping that I would be all in but I wasn't, "Honestly, I haven't." "Kaliyah," he sighed, "You need to make a decision. Can't you see that this is a big opportunity for me?"
"And what about me? If we move to New York where will that leave me? Away from my family, away from Alicia and Franklin."
"You have me and you'll make new friends, better friends. And you can visit your family and better yet they can visit us once we get settled." I shook my head because none of what he was saying was convincing, "Your acting like you've already accepted the job offer." "I haven't yet but I don't plan on turning it down. I want you in New York with me and I would hate for us to have a long distance marriage." "That's not going to happen."
"So you'll come to New York with me?"
"I didn't say that either. But a long distance marriage? Who does that?"
"Plenty people. One of the guys told me that he works in New York but his wife and two kids live in Maine. He visits on weekends and holidays so it's not like they don't see him." That was the most absurd thing I've ever heard. What man wants his wife and kids in another state? When I was a kid I used to literally wait for my dad to come in the door. That's not how I wanted to live my life. "So you would really consider moving to New York and leaving me here?" He reached across the table and held my hand in his, "It's not something that I would want to do but this is a huge opportunity for me." There he goes with that me word again, every time I talked to him all I heard was me, me, me. Never us, never we. It's like all he cared about was himself. He wasn't always like this or maybe he was and for some reason I was finally starting to see the light.
"Do you love me," I blurted the question out bluntly. "What? Babe you know I love you. I loved you the first time I laid eyes on you. Why would you ask me that?" Instead of answering him I just stared at him, trying to read him. Those doubts started to creep into my head and as much as I doubted him sometimes I couldn't see myself just walking away. "Let me guess, Alicia? She's been filling your head up with doubts again hasn't she?"
"No she hasn't," I told him. He didn't realize that he was the one that was making me doubt him, doubt us. "She's never liked me. Never and you know why, I think she's jealous. Jealous of you, jealous that were getting married." "That's not true. Alicia has Franklin and he loves her, he worships the ground she walks on."
"Well maybe that's her problem. She needs a dose of reality and she needs to learn when to mind her own business. I don't see why your still friends with her."
"She's my best friend Greg. More like my sister. She's family."
"No she's not. I'm your family. Despite what she thinks I have your best interest in heart and I know what's best for you."
"Do you?' "Yes. I know you should come to New York with me. The painting in your room would sell for thousands a piece and just imagine if you painted full time." "I love design Greg. I love what I do."
"And I also know that you love painting and with your talent we could be bringing in thousands of dollars a week and you can work from home. We can make names for ourselves out in New York. New York holds bigger opportunities, we can accomplish our dreams." "I've already accomplished my dreams and I'm happy. Moving to New York won't in any way make me any happier." "But think of the money we could make in New York." "Is money the only thing you care about?" "Of course not. I'm just thinking about the future. New York is more expensive but I know it will be well worth it, not just for me but for the both of us. I want to take care of you." "I don't need you or anyone to care of me, I can take care of myself." "Well I have to make my decision by the end of this week and I've already made up my mind. Either you smarten up or you can stay here, the choice is up to you." I was done with him and this whole conversation so I remained quiet. He asked me something else but I refused to talk to him. I didn't have anything nice to say so I refused to say anything. "The silent treatment? Your being immature."
Instead of giving in I remained silent. The waiter came back over with our food and I was glad so we wouldn't have an excuse to talk. I was cutting into my steak when I felt the need to look up. Its when I noticed Jayson walking in with a girl attached to his arm and I dropped my cutting knife. I watched as the hostess led them to a seat. I watched as the girl smiled up at Jayson as he pulled her chair out for her and pushed it in after she sat down. As he walked to his seat, I watched as he looked around the restaurant, as if he could sense me staring or sense my presence as we locked eyes. I wanted to look away but I couldn't and it seemed like neither could he. He was the one to look away as he started talking to his date. Since the day that Jayson left me I couldn't get him out of my mind. I woke up thinking about him and thought about him before I went to bed. I almost called him three times before deciding against it and here he was, on a date with another women. A beautiful women at that and I noticed this one wasn't black either. Maybe what Layla said was true, maybe he did have a type. I kept looking over at them every so often, watched as he smiled with his date. Watched her show him something on her phone,watched the two of them laugh. His teeth were pearly white and his smile gave me butterflies even though I wasn't the one he was smiling at. He never once looked back at me but I'm sure he could feel me staring. I didn't even have an appetite anymore, to be honest I felt nauseous. I was pushing my food around my plate and was on my second glass of wine. Greg was oblivious to how upset I was, he was to busy texting on his phone and paying me no mind. He knew I hated when he texted during dinner so I'm sure he was trying to get a rise out of me but little did he know I didn't care. From the short time Jayson had been back into my life he has managed to stir emotions in me, emotions that no one has ever had before. Not even Greg. Here I sat in front of my fiance and I was paying more attention to Jayson. Maybe I was paying more attention to Jayson because deep down I knew that no one, not even Greg could make me feel the way Jayson made me feel. Greg ordered dessert but I declined. I felt like some kind of creep watching Jayson and his date like I was but I didn't care. I watched as she leaned across the table and I was surprised her cleavage didn't spill out with how low cut her dress was. She glanced over her shoulder and I watched as her hand disappeared under the table. I may have been a virgin but I had some idea of what she was doing with her hand. I felt sick to my stomach I stood up from my seat abruptly as Greg looked up at me in confusion. "Where are you going?"
"Ladies room," I told him just as our waiter came back to the table, I asked him where the restrooms were and walked in the direction of where he pointed. I just needed some alone time to get myself together. Once inside the bathroom I walked into the biggest stall and locked myself inside trying my best to calm myself down. I wanted to deny the real reason I was upset but it was obvious, I was jealous because deep down no matter how much I tried to deny it, I had feelings for Jayson. I just wasn't sure if they were old feelings or new feelings but they were feelings none the less. I left the bathroom stall and looked at myself in the mirror as I washed my hands and gave myself a mini pep talk. I was going to go out there and sit back with Greg and I refused to look over in Jayson's direction again. I wanted to enjoy myself and the rest of my night and I couldn't do that when I was worried more about Jayson then my fiance. Fiance. I felt bad about giving Greg the silent treatment but he just didn't get me anymore. There was a time where he supported me and my dreams but for some reason now it's like he didn't want me to accomplish any of my goals. A part of me didn't want to go back out there and sit with him either. A part of me just wanted to be single, dump Greg and forget all about Jayson. Men were more trouble than they were worth. I groaned in frustration as I walked out of the bathroom and almost backtracked back inside once I saw who was standing against the opposite wall. I was the only one in the bathroom so he wasn't waiting on his date, so maybe that meant he was waiting on me? I didn't say a word and neither did he as we had a mini stare down. Things were tense and then I remembered why I rushed off to the bathroom in the first place. I was about to walk around him but he blocked my path, I saw his hand reach out to me and I backed away from him. "Please don't touch me." He nodded and dropped his hand and we stood there for some odd seconds before he spoke. "Are you and your fiance having fun?
"Are you and your date having fun," I shot back at him.
"We are actually," he nodded his head and I didn't like his answer, not one bit. It made me wonder why was even entertaining him?
"I bet,excuse me," I went to walk around him again but this time instead of just blocking my path he trapped me against the wall. He was taller and bigger than me so I didn't even bother trying to push past him. "Your mad," he observed looking me over.
"Who says I'm mad?"
He smiled like he found something funny, "I know you, remember?" I rolled my eyes at that, "You don't know anything about me." "You and I both know that's not true." "I'm not mad," I told him but I was getting mad. "Okay maybe your not mad but your jealous."
"Jealous," I scoffed at his audacity. "So you weren't jealous when watched me walk in with her and don't say you weren't watching because I could feel you watching me before I even realized you were here."
I didn't want to respond but I knew if I didn't then he would think that he was right and I didn't want that. "You think I'm jealous because your here with someone? If you haven't noticed I'm here with my fiance." I held up my hand with my engagement ring, I did that just to rub it in because I could tell that every time he saw my ring it had an effect on him. Like now, his jaw was clenching and he stared at my ring like it was the bane of his existence. Ha, and he thinks I'm jealous. "If that's the case then maybe you should pay more attention to him and less on me." I didn't know if he was purposely trying to rile me up but if he was then it was working. By now I would have taken the high road and walked away but instead I let him bait me. "I just thought that maybe you would of acquired better taste in women by now but that looks like it's not the case. What street corner did you pick her up from? And are you paying her by the hour or is she yours for the whole night?" I don't know why I took a shot at his date, she was pretty but I just wanted to be petty maybe and get a rise out of him like he was getting out of me. "I don't plan on marrying her so you can talk about her all you want. Speaking of marriage, am I getting an invite to the wedding?" "You need to worry less about me and my fiance and more about yourself. At least I have someone who wants to marry me." "But the real question is do you want to marry him?"
"Of course I do."
"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" I was frustrated at this point, "What do you want from me?" I asked him this question last time we spoke so I don't know why I was asked him again. "Nothing, I just want you."
I wasn't expecting that answer, not at all. He wanted me, that was great but I would be an idiot to end things with my fiance because he told me he wanted me. "You want me but for how long? So we can get together and you can see if you can get from me what Greg hasn't? You hinted that you like to play the field so why would I end things with one guy who isn't treating me right just to get with another?" His eyebrow raised, "So you finally admit that he's not treating you right?" "What," I was confused and thought about what I just said and indeed I did. "It's a step in the right direction."
I shook my head and tried to walk past him before I could let something else slip out of my mouth. I was usually good with holding in things but every time I got around him I always let more slip out than needed. Of course he wouldn't let me walk away that easy. "Do you think you can treat me right," I asked with him with plenty of attitude. He tore Greg down every chance he got but what made him so better? "More than you know," he answered. When I was with Jayson he showed me nothing but the utmost respect. When I talked he listened to me, when he looked at me it was like he could see right through me and that was only the tip of the iceberg. He talked a good game but what if he was just that, all talk? If I gave into Jayson what would happen if we broke up, how did I know that he was truly sincere? And what about my parents, what would they say, especially my dad? Greg was a whole other story, I loved him or so I thought I did but he never made me feel how I felt when I was around Jayson, never has and if I was being honest he never came close. "Can't we just be friends? I like having you in my life and I don't want to lose you again." I didn't see why we just couldn't be friends. "I can't just be your friend. How you felt when you saw me walk in with that girl is the same way I feel every time I see you with your so called fiance and when I look at that ring on your finger." I guess that was the end of the conversation and there was nothing else I could say or do. "Well I guess there's nothing more for me to say, you can go back to your date. I'm sure she's wondering where you are." "I'm sure your fiance is too." Instead of either of us making a move we both just stood still and stared into each others eyes. It was like a magnetic pull and his eyes drew me in. One second we had a decent amount of distance between us and the next his lips were on mine and my body reacted immediately. His lips were so soft and he kissed me like he truly cared about me but the kiss was rough as well, like he couldn't get enough of me. Kissing him gave me chills, goosebumps and not only that but it set my whole body on fire. I don't think my body has ever reacted like this, I didn't know my body could react like this. Not from a kiss at least. I was so wrapped up in the kiss, that was until I moaned. I shocked myself and I'm sure I shocked him to by the way he pulled away from me. His eyes were low and he looked like he wanted to kiss me again and as I looked into his eyes I wanted to kiss him to. That was until reality hit me. I remembered where we were and who I was just kissing I realized how wrong this was. Before he could say anything or before he could stop me I slipped past him and headed back towards the table with Greg and took my seat trying to walk as normal as possible ignoring how weak my legs felt. My heart was still on overdrive and I felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. Greg was still on his phone and eating his dessert, oblivious once again to what had just went on "You were gone for a while," he looked up from his phone at me, "You okay?" I didn't trust myself to speak so I just nodded my head. "Still not speaking I see," he shook his head and dropped his fork, "Then I guess that means your ready to go." I was, I needed to get out of here as soon as possible. I could feel someone watching me and I knew from how intense the stare was and how my body reacted that it wasn't just Greg. - I couldn't get away from Greg fast enough, I made the excuse about coming on my period and having cramps and he dropped the subject and dropped me off in record time. Once I was inside I paced back and forth as I thought about what just happened back at the restaurant. I cheated on Greg, I felt bad, so bad. I could barely look at him in the car on the ride home. "What's wrong," Alicia appeared in my doorway. "Nothing." "Something's wrong, your pacing and your shaking." She forced me to sit down on the bed and then started firing off questions, "What happened? Did Greg do something, say something?" "It wasn't Greg." "Then who, what happened?" I hesitated before answering, "I ran into Jayson tonight." "What happened?" "He was on a date." It took her a while to say anything before she spoke again, "And I'm guessing that made you feel some type of way?" "I was upset, more upset than I should have been. Every time he looked at her and smiled at her I felt like someone was squeezing my heart," I admitted. "Makes sense. Now you see how Jayson feels when he see's you with Greg." I remembered Jayson telling me almost the same thing back at the restaurant. "I was jealous." "Who wouldn't feel jealous seeing the guy they love out with another women?"
"I'm not in love with Jayson."
"Then what do you call it then?"
"I can't love two men at once."
"You don't love two men. I can't deny that you care about Greg but your not in love with him. Do you want to marry him?" "I don't know," I admitted and I felt awful for saying it. "Are you in love with him?" "I," I sighed, "I care about him, I love him but I don't think it's enough for me to marry him." "And that's okay," she grabbed my hand, "People fall out of love all the time."
I'm sure she was right but I still felt bad admitting it aloud. They were all right, every time someone brought up wedding plans I shut down and changed the subject. If I was being honest with myself I would of never accepted Greg's proposal in the first place. "We kissed." "What?" "Me and Jayson, back at the restaurant." Her eyes got big like she wasn't expecting to hear that. "It just happened," I explained, "He confronted me while I was coming out the bathroom. Once second we were going back and forth and then I got lost in his eyes and the next second his lips were on mine. I cheated on Greg."
"Don't beat yourself up. This is just further proof that you and Greg shouldn't be together, let alone getting married." "Your right. Soooo how was it?" I knew she would ask, "Amazing, mind blowing, my whole body was on fire and I felt that all from a kiss." "Your whole body," she asked and I knew what she was asking. I laughed lightly because she would ask me something like that. She always told me that when her and Franklin kissed she got hot from it and I never felt it, not with Greg anyway so I thought it was just her but nope. "He made me feel things I've never felt before. But more than that, it just felt...right and even though I felt bad I didn't regret it." "I think your finally starting to see the light." "But-." "But what?" "What if I end things with Greg to get with Jayson only to realize I made a mistake?" "Would you rather stay with Greg and make the mistake of never giving Jayson a chance to see what could be? And who says you have to get with Jayson right now?" I didn't want to lose Jayson, not again but I didn't want to hurt Greg. "But Greg-"
"Will get over it. You have a serious decision to make and if I were you I would get a move on. As you saw tonight Jayson isn't going to wait around on you. The longer you wait the more you risk the chance of losing him for good."