Life's not out to get you |kellic]

{one}

One month ago

It wasn't like I always hated who I was, because I didn't. I always had confidence, i'd come from a great family, people liked me, I got awesome grades in school; I just didn't like the fact that I had a vagina. Everything was wrong with my body parts, they weren't supposed to be there. I knew deep down inside that I was a boy. I acted like one, I thought like one, I wanted to be one. Being a girl just wasn't who I was, and that's why i'd been saving up for surgery for years now. Being the age I was, I went to the doctor in secret and my body was slowly changing into the one that was meant for me. I just needed the surgery and that's exactly what I got. I peered at myself in the mirror of the bathroom inside my room. My parents were going to be here in an hour, and I was going to come out. I couldn't hold this in any longer, they needed to see their son. My face had changed a lot, it used to be soft and round, and now it's more hard and focused. My hair used to be long and blond, but i'd cut it in a short style and dyed it a dark brunette color, it matched my personality more. I feel like the most saddening thing was letting go of all the feminine clothes my parents had spent a shit ton of money on from the past years, thinking that I actually liked them. So many years of faking, so many years of not being true to myself, it was dissatisfying, really. I didn't get sentimental, though...I never really cried much. I was just so happy, I wasn't confused anymore, I felt whole. I was confident in my body, I was confident that I finally had the parts that matched, and not the ones that didn't. I was me.

Hearing the  familiar jingling of the keys, due to my parents coming in through the door, I began to get anxious. I wonder what they'd feel if they saw me walking down those steps just now. It's been a month, and my mom...she'd freak. But I had to do this for me, and they had to accept me whether they liked the new me, or not. It was the first month of summer, it was time for new beginnings, anyway. I then exhaled, as I made my way down our creaky wooden stairs. I heard my mom come through the door, she held two big grocery bags in her hands, it blocked her face, so she couldn't see me, "Kelly, is that you? We've missed you so much but can you give both your father and I a hand?"

"Sure," I spoke, as I grabbed one of the bags. But that's when she lost it, she had imidiately dropped the sacks from her hands and she gazed at me with wide eyes, as if she didn't know the person she was interacting with, as if I were some animal at the zoo. My mother gasped, as she held her hand over her mouth in shock, "dear Jesus, Kelly! Your voice, your hair...your face! Who are you?!" she shouted, as she backed away, "you...you don't have boobs...you look like a...a-"

"Boy?" I said. I knew this would happen, my mother always was very dramatic but I admit, I was on the borderline of being scared. She didn't even recognize me? And all of those comments that she made about me got me angry, in a way, "mom, it's because I am one. I've been lying to both you and dad this whole time, this is who I am, who i'm meant to be." I said with passion, my face I could feel was burning of embarrassment as my Dad walked through the door.

He held his mouth open agape, and he frowned, "who are you? And where's my daughter?" he told me sternly, and his tone of voice shocked me; he didn't recognize me either? I backed away a bit as he came closer to me.

"D-dad," I choked out, "it's me...i'm Kellin, by the way. I prefer that name better, if that's okay?"

The rest was a blur. I was met with my fathers hard hand meeting my cheek and knocking me out. I fell to the floor in such an instant that I had no time to think about anything, I was out, done, and everything went black. I feel like I dreamt of something happy that day, I thought I was going to die, to be honest. And quite frankly, that'd be the easy way out. I just had to stay in my knockout for a couple of hours, only to wake up in my own bed. I knew in that moment, that my parents had switched everything up, and it made me upset. I sighed, as I felt the stinging sensation that compiled my cheek from when my Dad slapped me.

Getting up from the thick pink covers my mom probably set up for me, I noticed how polished my room was. It was empty. All of my band posters were off of my wall, and replaced with pictures of the person that I used to be, and a flash of cold madness flurried inside of me and I bit the inside of my cheek, as I took one particular picture that I hated. It was me, only I was at prom. I remember that day, i'd got asked out but I didn't want to go because I wanted to avoid putting on makeup and doing my hair, I was a guy trapped in this girls' body and I couldn't help the feedback that it gave off. But anyway, in the picture, you could tell that I wasn't happy, if you really looked. My eyes...they were sad, my posture wasn't confident, my smile looked as if it were being stitched on, I wasn't me. I took the picture and angrily crunched it up and stuffed it in the back pocket of my jeans.

I heard my door creak open, and my mom appeared with a sorry look on her face. I stood stationary, motionless, almost, as she came over to me. She took my hand and brought me into the bathroom that was in my room and looked at us both in the mirror, I didn't understand it. I saw a single tear trickle down her face, "you were my...my beautiful daughter, Kelly-"

"It's Kellin."

She sighed, as she buried her head in the crook of her neck, "you're a girl, you need to accept it."

I then gently pushed her away, and crossed my arms as I rolled my eyes, "Mother, you don't understand, okay? I've been living this lie my whole life, i'm not a girl. I never have been one. I've felt this way since I was thirteen, trust me. I've been saving up for this ever since...i'm not female, alright? I have a dick, I have a chest, and i'd appreciate it if you and Dad would accept me as the person that I am and not the gender that I used to identify with."

My mother then began to cry actual tears this time, and that's when I wanted to mentally shoot myself. This was utterly disgusting, so she loved me as a girl, but not as a boy? She then looked up at me, her lips trembling, "Kelly...i'm so, so sorry about this, but we-" my mom broke off, "we've packed your bags. The rest of the summer you're staying with your aunt, your father and I can't deal with you right now."

I then scoffed, "Th-that's bullshit!" I shouted at her, I was extremely upset. I was pissed. They couldn't do this to me! I didn't cry, but my eyes burned and I could feel my face going red, "I didn't do anything, this is literally all in your head-"

"That's it, Kelly!" she shouted back at me, as she gripped my arm, "enough is enough! You are leaving today, we've booked your flight. We are taking away your phone and all electronics, i'm sorry but we will not be putting up with a faggot this summer. Hopefully when you return, you will be grateful for the body that you have been blessed with and not be so disrespectful, and go changing it around as you please. You are a selfish, narcissistic, insensitive brat. And excuse my language, but I'm not raising or putting up with a bitch." she paused, "it's for your own good, Kelly."

Long story short, that was the first time I've ever cried so hard that I've felt numb, unwanted, and broken.

This was the summer that changed my life.