Hope Believe Magic

Separation

My heart was pounding. I wasn't sure what to expect. I had thousands of questions running in my head. Will he be there? Will he be happy to see me? Will he get angry? What should I say? How should I begin the conversation? Should I apologize to him? Will he accept my apology? My brain was literally running at 1000 miles per hour. It was a long walkway from the entrance to Prakash Anna's office. I knew AK was already there because I could hear voices speaking incoherently. My heart was beating so fast that I literally thought I would pass out. I took a deep breath and reach the door. I wanted to knock before entering but I stopped as I heard sobbing sounds. Oh no! Was that AK? Was he actually crying? I took a slight peek through the partially opened door. It had been over a month since I had seen him and a glimpse of his back made me yearn for more. There was an instant urge to hug him and feel his hands on me. I missed his soft yet passionate kisses, his peck on my neck. My hands automatically reached my neck but I realized that I was drifting away.

I focused to hear more to what they were saying. I heard Prakash anna saying, "Enna da? Namba friends group liye ellarukkum dheiriyam kudukara neeye ippidi pesalaama? Ellam seri ayidum da." I broke my heart to hear what AK said. In between his sobs he said, "Dei idhu kaaga evvalo kashta patirukken nu Unakke theriyum. Vandha opportunity ya Naane ippidi kuzhi thondu podhachutene da. Enakku irundha orey strength ava thaan da. Enna yaaru thappa nenachaalum enakku kavalai illai aana ava enkooda nippa nu romba dheiriyama irundhen da. Paavam da Shivu enakku theriyum idhellam kettu ennoda adhigama ava thaan kashta patirupa." He continued sobbing. Prakash patted his back and said, "Dei avalum edho bayathulla, tension la, confusion la break up nu solitta da. Nee Adhellam manasula vachukaadhe. Avala naan inge vara soleerken. Neenga rendu perum pesinaale ellam seri ayidum da."

AK quickly stood up wiping away his tears. That's when I saw his face. He looked much older than his age. He had dark circles around his eyes indicating lack of sleep. His beard had not been trimmed and he had started to gain some weight. AK had the tendency to put on weight when is isn't regularly working out. His face had lost the usual charm and his eyes weren't twinkling like they usually do. I just wanted to run up to him, hug him and tell him that everything was going to be ok. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry and I did not mean what I said. These dark clouds were just temporary and that they will go away but I just stood there frozen, listening to the rest of the conversation. AK looked at Prakas anna sadly and said, "Illa da. Ava panninadhu correct thaan da. I don't want her to suffer with me. Ava chinna ponnu da. She does not deserve all this. There is too much negativity around me. Naane correct a edhuvum yosikkara nelamaila illai." Prakash stood up and said, "Dei nee oru vaati ava kitta pesu da. Ava sollardha kelu adhukku aparam unakku seripattu varalaina nee no nu sollidu." What he said after that felt like a electric shock to me. He said, "Dei ava mugatha paathutta naan sethuruven da. I can never say no to her. Ava munnadi getha poi nikkanum da. Ippidi kooni kurugi indha ulagathula thothu poi eppidi da nippen. She deserves better da. Ippo naanga pesina kandippa patch upnayiduvom. Then what? Enakku innoru Padam varuma nu kooda therila. Naan enna panna poren nu therila. Avalukku oru future irukku. Ennoda ava irukka nu media ku therinja avalukku prachanai varum. Ippodhakki break up aanadhu aanadhave irukattum." Tears were flowing down my cheeks. I felt like thousand knives were stabbing my heard. I was sad, angry, proud everything at the same time. I covered my mouth with both my hands so they don't hear me outside.

AK than said, "But this is not over. Naan ava munnadi poi kandippa nippen. Enakku kalyanam nu onnu nadandha adhu avaloda mattum thaan but I have to work on myself and do a couple of good projects. I should make myself capable of her love. I need to give her the space to grow. Right now I am suffocating her and I need to let her fly freely. Then I will go back and ask her to marry me." Prakash said, "Ava unakaaga adhu varaikkum wait panikitta irukka pora?" I finally saw a smile on AK's face when he proudly said, "Dei avala pathi enakku nalla theriyum da. She loves me so much. She will wait for that day when I see success. She will be happier than me on that day. Even now I can assure you that she will be the first one to buy tickets for my movies, she will be the first one to scream my name and she will be the first one to scream seeing me on screen. Her love for me is unconditional and it will be her love that is going to help me fight this. She knows very well that I cannot say no to her so ava naan jeichaparam kandippa en kitta varuva Appo Naanum sandhoshama, ava kanna paathu ok solluven."

I ran down the hallway crying. Prakash anna heard footsteps and came out to see me running and grabbing an auto rickshaw. I was crying all the way home but messaged Prakash anna saying, "Anna avar kandippa jeipaar anna. Naan andha naal ku wait pannaren nu sollunga. Ask him to come to me then. I too cannot say no to him Anna. I love him."

Brinda Subramanian